Quiet Time

Thanks Joe.

2011-10-16T21:42:00.004+01:00

I hesitated about publicising your birthday this year Chris, why? I don't know! Maybe because there comes a time when I think people may see it as a pity post and I hate that. But tonight one of your friends said something that really touched me, he said 'you are the only contact that I have left of Chris' and that really made me think. Happy Birthday my lovely son, you would have been 29 years old on the 14th of October and we miss you more than any words can ever say.

Teacher

2011-07-17T20:43:00.002+01:00

Despite not blogging about my new life as a Christian, the journey has continued and still does continue to be the most exciting, satisfying, testing, strengthening, humbling and enlightening (and lots more ing’s) time of my whole life. I’m discovering things about myself that I didn’t know and that is how God works with us when we ask Him into our life and thank Him for sending His only son to die for us so that we can start anew, with a clean slate. Are we going to keep that slate clean? No! Of course we’re not because we are not perfect and never will be, but we grow and learn continually.

The journey isn’t always smooth, in fact it is never without trials, but each and every trial teaches us something about ourselves, which we have to acknowledge, because of the way God brings the lesson. Fellow human beings can try to correct us and yet our natural instinct is to defend how we act, think and feel, but when we decide to put our faith in God, there is no defence of our actions, thoughts or feelings because although it is sometimes uncomfortable we know it’s right, deep down we just know.

An example of a knowing-it’s-right correction is my recent dilemma about whether I really wanted to be a nurse. Over the last year or so I have experienced a profound feeling of frustration and fearfulness while working in the role of a nurse, not all of the time, but it kept coming and going and niggling away. I couldn’t understand why because it is the one thing I have always had a passion for and I was well on my way, so why did I feel like a square peg in a round hole. I loved the learning at university and was totally absorbed in every lecture but I felt out of place at times in the role of a nurse.

I prayed for God to speak to me, tell me in a way that could leave no doubt in my mind if I was on the path He wanted me to be on and He did. It wasn’t in the way I expected and it certainly wasn’t comfortable but it taught me something valuable about myself and allowed me to let go of a chain that had held me for years, pride! I had started on this path so I had to finish, I had to get the degree to show I could. Trouble is, I was no longer doing it for the right reasons. I loved learning, thoroughly enjoyed the social side of university and didn’t want to leave the special friends I’d made, one in particular. But I no longer wanted to be a nurse!

God knew that long before I would acknowledge it, but I needed a good teacher who wouldn’t just pat me on the back and say carry on you’re doing great, but would LET me carry on until I learned something about myself and could admit it without feeling any shame. You see it isn’t as important as we think because we think in human terms and humans don’t like to be corrected by other humans, but correction by God liberates you, sets you free from the need to match- up to the things in this world and deep down you just know its right.

Today, I need you more!

2011-05-09T22:29:00.002+01:00

It's four years today since we said goodbye (for now) to our Chris and to be honest it doesn't get any easier. If I allowed myself to, I could quite easily spend the rest of my days remembering and crying because I miss him so very much. But that would be such a waste of the precious time I have been given to live my life and Chris would definitely frown on the idea that anyone would choose not to live life to the fullest. I do still love life and I take great joy in the amazing things that have happened in my world over the last few years. Do I feel guilty sometimes because I've lost my son but still have great joy? No! I don't, ever, because Chris taught me that life is precious and that thought lives in me and drives me.

The joy in my life doesn't just appear though, it comes directly from God, my saviour, redeemer and friend. My amazing journey at university fulfilling a lifelong dream has only been possible because it is the path that God wants me on and when we ask Him to use us to glorify His name you can be sure He will. I asked God to help me to continue living my life after Chris died and He went far beyond my prayer, He gave me a purpose, a reason to carry on and a life that is so fulfilled.

Trust

2010-10-03T21:26:00.005+01:00

Before I get started on what I took from today's word brought to us by Col I have to say once again that I feel so Blessed to be given the inner joy that continues to come from deep inside. It's something I go on and on about regularly and it never fails to amaze me each time I feel it. No matter what is going on in my life, just when I begin to let it turn my head, in comes that warm feeling that reminds me 'nothing is going to happen to me that God and I together can't handle' and I trust.

Anyway, it was a strange one this morning because Col began by telling us he wasn't sure how todays service would pan out, as usual he had prayed about what he was going to say throughout the week but he wasn't at all sure that it came together as a message, it seemed all over the place. So! he decided to let God take it out of his hands and let things go wherever they went. I found this facinating and was absorbed immediatley. Imagine for a moment how much trust it would take for anyone to get on a stage in front of a hall full of people and just know that whatever happened it would be fine. Now to me that is a trust so deep it's difficult comprehend and yet I have felt something similar on this massive journey that led me to be at university at nearly fifty four years old. I should be planning my retirement for goodness sake!

Now to get back to this morning and what I took from the word for today. Fear of showing weakness can be a shackle that keeps us treading the same path day after day, putting on the brave face and telling everyone that you're doing great. But if we do that then we don't allow anyone else to feel strong even when they have taken the time to comfort us. How must that make those people feel, inadequate, useless, or worse still that their caring about us isn't important. When we think about strength our own strength is sometimes so important to us that we don't allow anyone else to get a look in, after all they might just think we're weak and we can't have that. Am I talking to myself, yes of course I am because I am probably one of the worst culprits.

When we give our life to God we receive a heart that freely loves and gives, both to God and to our neighbour but I think we can get that a bit mixed up sometimes and become convinced that we can only give strength. Jesus needed strength when he was on the cross and he put his trust in God, what bigger example do we need that we can never go it alone.

Attitude

2010-08-29T22:42:00.007+01:00

The last three weeks the services at our church have been about attitude and the word brought to us by Craig and Ian has been thought provoking.

Craig talked about giving to the church, not just financially but also our time, both of which help to sustain our meeting place and the speakers who bring the word to us each week. Without finance it just couldn't happen, we would have no light, no heat, no chairs etc... The church after all is a building and buildings have to be maintained. I'm quite sure Col, our pastor would be prepared to speak to us in a field if necessary, but how many people would happily join him in worship on a freezing cold Winters morning.

Anyway, the main point Craig made was simple, basically it's not what you give in money or time but the attitude with which you give it. To give generously is to give with the right attitude, it has nothing whatsoever to do with the amount of money or time we put in. If our heart wants to give then it's a fortune but if we give grudgingly then we would be better not to give at all.

Ian talked about giving love, both to God and to our neighbour. This isn't a new concept, it's as old as it gets and the same principle applies. Do we love God and our neighbours with the right attitude? Or, do we give ourselves a pat on the back for putting in an appearance at church and only love our neighbours until they do something we don't approve of. Are we quick to judge others while choosing to ignore the fact that we are far from perfect, if so why on earth would we inspire people to visit our house or our church.

Some years ago I read a book that someone mentioned because the name of it intrigued me. It was called 'Attitude is Everything'. After reading it I tried out an experiment. The author suggested that for one week whenever anyone asked how you were you could not reply, fine, okay, so so! etc. You had to say, terrific, splendid, wonderful or brilliant accompanied by a broad smile. I had not long started working in a newsagents at the time and didn't really relish the idea of greeting people (who were barely awake) with a beaming smile and telling them how amazing I was feeling. I have to admit it was uncomfortable at first and I'll swear they muttered to each other about the nutter that now worked in the local paper shop, but by the end of the week most of the regulars were grinning as soon as they entered the shop. It was infectious and it proved to me that you reap what you sow.

Do we pray with the attitude of duty or do we pray because we love? How often do we just say "God I love you", no strings, no requests, I just love you. With the right attitude we can be in the darkest place and not succumb to despair. When we love unconditionally God frees us and fills us with His strength, peace and calm. I have been Blessed to experience the grace of God in one of the darkest places a mum can ever be and I continue to be upheld to this day. Yes, sometimes life is still hard but for me sandwiched between the negatives of the world today and the sadness of the past is a joy, peace and calm that comes from giving love to God and my neighbour.

If you sow with a grudging heart then you will live with a grudging existence and that is not what God wants for us.

4 years

2010-08-21T23:05:00.004+01:00

Four years ago today somebody was told that they would have to say goodbye to their precious son. That very same day Chris received the phone call that we had all been praying for and he was given the gift of a new life. Words can never describe how grateful we will always be for the chance to see Chris living and loving life.

Thank you to all who register as organ donors, your gift really is priceless.

Happy.

2010-08-16T10:27:00.003+01:00

I was baptised two years ago this month and I thank God daily for His presence in my life.
Our God is great!!

Strength

2010-08-07T23:37:00.003+01:00

This song has been so inspirational in my life. Trust in God and believe.

Unity

2010-07-04T22:39:00.004+01:00

What an amazing day I've had today, I managed to get to church twice and I can't begin to explain what a difference it makes to be in the company of the lovely people who share in the love of God.

Our speaker today was Steve, he is a pastor in a church in Cambridge called C3, he originates from the Wirral and before he moved to Cambridge he was the pastor at our church. I'd never met him but I had heard about him from people who were members when he was there. I love to hear the different messages from speakers who come to our church, they all have their own way of bringing the word to us and it's interesting to see their own personality shine through the gospel. The messages never change, they stay the same, because God never changes, He is the same today as He was yesterday and will be tomorrow.

Steve talked about how our walk with God will not be an easy ride, we'll face many challenges to our faith on the way and at times we will feel as though the grace has been taken from under our feet, we will flounder at these times and it would be so easy to say 'it's not working for me, I'm out of here'. We have all been there and will be again but the difference is, if you have a community around you who have a relationship with God, they will sustain you in times of need because they, like you, are Blessed with the special gift that is to love. To love one another is second only to loving God and it is the most liberating feeling you could ever imagine. How great it is to be able to feel love naturally, without effort, without thinking, without embarrassment. That is what makes the meetings so special, you give love and receive love freely, how much better would our world be if we spent more time giving grace instead of grief.

I have struggled with where I am in life recently, it's been very hard physically and mentally to keep up with study and placement and I have wanted to throw in the towel and run away, but each time I've got close to doing that something has happened to keep me there. It's not an easy ride but unity within fellowship gives you the upper hand from God that defeats the efforts of the enemy who would quite like you to quit.

Faith

2010-06-30T09:58:00.002+01:00

As we travel along life's path

Nothing ever stays the same,

All things must change at some time

Whether it be for ill or be for gain.

Yet, the one unchanging factor-

The greatest one of all-

Is that there is a mighty

Power that listens

To every human call.

It will comfort and sustain you

Whenever things go wrong,

It will take your hand and guide you

As life's path you walk along.

So, when dark clouds descend

Upon the path you tread,

Call upon this power to guide you

And He will light the way ahead.

The enemy

2010-04-25T19:17:00.002+01:00

This morning Col talked about getting out there and sharing the gospel, it's what God tells us to do. But when we do we should be prepared for the enemy to move in and make things difficult because it's not in his plan for the message to be shared. It's fine if we're in church though, he's happy for it to be contained within a building where nobody but the usual congregation is listening, that's no problem. The reason why he doesn't want us to talk to people about God is because he knows for certain that it's the truth, otherwise, why would he bother.

Since I did an interview where I talked about my faith and shared my own experience of walking with God there have been no end of incidents which have threatened to take away, not only the amazing peace I'm Blessed with but also my self esteem, confidence and strength. However I was sitting in the garden reading the bible one morning last week, as always I'd written down where I was up to and was about to go back in the house when these words came into my mind 'stay with me my child' I replied 'I will Lord' and picked up where I had left off. It was Ephesians verse 13 which says "And you were also included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit"

I am where I am today because a friend took the time to share the gospel with me, it takes courage to speak out because you risk rejection and ridicule but if it helps just one person to build a relationship with God and go on to receive The Holy Spirit, then the enemy is stopped in its tracks.

The new generation

2010-04-04T21:28:00.003+01:00

What a fantastic service this morning. One of the highlights (besides Col's amazing origami exercise) was a drama which was acted by some brilliant young people. We also got a taster from our future youth band and a very entertaining quiz. Our church is growing and it is so inspiring to see the young generation fired up for God. Loving every minute of Sunday's.

This is a version of the drama from youtube.

God is always there.

2010-02-03T21:42:00.002Z

To hear God's voice
Turn down the noise,
The volume of the world
Sit quietly
Be still with Him
And you will hear His word
He is your refuge
And your strength
He'll keep you safe from harm
Feel His arms
Surrounding you
Filling you with His calm
Through each trial
And tribulation
He'll be supporting you
He's always there
Your guiding light
A comfort sure and true
Just listen
In the silence
For His answer when you pray
Feel the warmth
Of His true love
And the storms will drift away.

Turbo Power.

2009-11-29T18:22:00.005Z

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted on here, it's the madness of being a student nurse that has taken over my life and man has it been a hectic time. Anyway, this is not the place to go into that, this is 'quiet time' and today has been just the top up I needed to produce a calm and peaceful me.

I managed to get to church today, the first time in a month or so. Now I know you don't need to go to church to be in the presence of God because if you have a strong foundation in your relationship with Him then He's always by your side. But what it does give me is the extra turbo power to carry on with what has been a very hard and testing time. It isn't just going into church, it's talking to all those people who are so inspirational, they're doing something with thier lives and more often than not they are doing that something for other people not themselves. The second commandment says 'Love thy neighbour' and if they ask something of you don't just give it, but give extra. If we live by this commandment in my experience we recieve far more than we ever give out. The last five weeks have proved to me that no matter how hard I am finding things I still feel free from the old me who would have given up and that's because I am protected, loved and made to feel special, the turbo power is that extra that comes as a bonus from God.

Our vision.

2009-10-11T17:05:00.005+01:00

Today's message brought to us by Col could have been spoken for me alone, it was so appropriate that it made me cry, several times. Not the despairing cry that leaves you feeling lonely and sad but the joy filled emotional cry that makes you realise once again how glad you are to be alive and on the amazing path that God has planned for you.

I had a bit of a rotter of a week last week, doubt had started to creep back into my mind about where I'm at in life and I began to wonder whether launching into a three year university course was what I really wanted to do. I began to question the ins and outs of nursing. Will I end up doing lots of paper work and not have time to interact with patients? Am I too old to do twelve hour shifts? Can I keep up with the hours of study? etc.. In fact I talked myself into a right old state and consequently cabbaged my own head....again!

On the way to church this morning I wasn't really focused, but I silently prayed for direction and straight thinking and that is exactly what I got. Col said "God has a vision for every one of us" He gave each of us a gift and it's in our hearts and our minds. He asked us if there was something that kept coming into our thoughts, something that we have always wanted to do but never got round to it, well that is our vision, our gift from God. Sometimes we spend so much time on the negative things in life and worry our days away but that precious time could be spent looking closely at what our gift could be and taking active steps to make it happen. God has a plan for us, He had it before we were born and He brings those thoughts back to us time after time, it's just up to us to listen, and act.

My sister comes to church with me now, she's been there the last two weeks and I can't begin to say how special that is for me. Life has thrown it's fair share of tough times at her and recently she's had a really hard time, but the look on her face today as she contemplated what God had planned for her was amazing. I know my sister is gifted and God knows that too, how exciting the future is going to be for her when she opens up her heart and realises her vision in life.

It has been the most special day today and I feel so positive that the road I am on is the right one because if it wasn't then the passion to become a nurse would not keep coming back to me would it. I am truly Blessed to have been given such a loud and clear message through Col today. Praise God!

Obsticles

2009-09-27T21:07:00.003+01:00

First off I just want to say how great it is to be in the presence of God, there are no words that could put this feeling down in writing, it's 'special beyond special' (that's my best attempt).

Ian spoke today about the barrier that stands between us and God and the chasm in between that prevents us from connecting with Him. Imagine a life that's ok, but every time one of those obstacles comes along it causes us to crash in a major way. I know, because I did it many times way back. Now imagine a life where those obstacles still come along, but we don't crash in a major way. Yes, it's still hard and it still hurts, but there's something different.

The day I was baptised and asked God into my life He sent me a ladder to cross the chasm, that ladder was His son who died for my sins and made me whole again. I'm still climbing and will be for a long time, but I strive to continue this 'work in progress' because the other life was one with a great big chasm in it.

Everyone needs compassion
A love that’s never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
A kindness of a Saviour
The hope of nations

Saviour
He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender all.

Thanks Ian, Bless you for today's word.

Chris Moyles on church.

2009-09-12T09:37:00.001+01:00

I've pinched this video from Chris's blog.....awsome!!

Stepping out of the boat.

2009-08-23T18:44:00.002+01:00

I haven't written about our Sunday service for a while now, but each week as I'm leaving church I do have every intention of blogging about the message for that day. However something always seems to come up and I end up not getting on here.

I'm home a bit earlier today and feel compelled to get it down in writing, regardless of the hundred things that need my attention. They can wait, this can't, because I'm feeling inspired.

William spoke today about stepping out of the boat in faith. Peter was the only disciple who experienced walking on water because he saw Jesus and asked 'Lord, if it is you, tell me to come to you on the water' and Jesus replied 'come', that was all Peter needed to step out in faith. While walking on the water his attention was diverted to the wind and he became afraid and started to sink, so he called out to Jesus 'Lord save me' and Jesus took his hand, asking 'why did you doubt'

God wants our lives to be full, challenging, exciting and rewarding, he doesn't want us to live a groundhog day, but we need to take a step out of the boat and try new things. Yes, it will be scary to move away from the comfort zone that we know so well and it might not always work out in the way we planned it to (remember my being convinced I'd be the greatest evangelist who ever walked the streets of the Wirral, and I wasn't), but if we live with a spirit of fear and doubt, we'll stay put and be convinced we can't do anything about our situation. When we live in fear we open the door to depression, stress and defeat, but if we step out and try, God will use us in ways we never dreamed were possible.

When we lost Chris it was the perfect opportunity for a spirit of fear and depression to come into my life, but it didn't, instead I was given peace and a life that continues to be full of excitement and new things. I asked God to save me and show me which direction to go and He has been my salvation. I pray that I continue to have the courage to try new things even though they might be out of my comfort zone, because when you step out of the boat in faith and try, God will hear you.

This is the day the Lord has made, be glad and rejoice in it.

Live life then give life.

2009-08-21T00:10:00.004+01:00

Three years ago a special person and their family gave the gift of life to somebody they would never meet and they will probably never know just how much that meant. It was priceless for us to see our precious son greet the day with the words 'how brilliant is this' and then swan off for a shower after a hearty breakfast. Normal stuff to many people, not to us though, and we will always be grateful that we got the chance to see Chris enjoy life again.

Missing you more than ever Chris and praying for the family who had to say goodbye to their loved one three years ago, but who made that terribly hard decision to be an organ donor. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

www.lltgl.org.uk

Living God.

2009-08-14T12:58:00.003+01:00

Wooohoooo!!!

Our God is a living God, He was here yesterday, He's here today and He'll be here tomorrow.

Our Mike mentioned to me a few weeks ago that he worked with a guy who is a Christian, he said this person prays, not only for the major things in his life, but also for small every day problems he encounters. Such as what, I asked? Well, say for instance he is having a problem getting a nut or bolt undone, he'll stand back and pray for help and sure enough the thing will come out. Now, Mike is still angry with God for taking his brother away from him and he says it has to be a coincidence that the nut or bolt comes out each time this guy prays. I've never really thought of asking God for help with the minor things in life because it seems to undermine all the huge important issues that are more deserving of prayer.

However, I decided to ask for help to find my garage keys, they've been lost a week now and because I can't get at my mower the grass is starting to look like a wild meadow thing. Two days ago I sat down and said, 'Lord please direct me to where I should look for the keys' and straight away it came into my mind that they were in the flowers not far from the garage. I searched there for the umpteenth time and gave up because my hubby and my friend had also looked thoroughly through that flowerbed. This morning as I was cleaning it popped into my mind again to search the same flowers, it was as clear as a bell, so I dropped everything and went out to look again. There they were, right at the end of the flowerbed under some lobelia, I couldn't believe it.

The neighbours were treated to a very happy me, throwing the keys in the air, laughing my head off and shouting 'Thank you Lord' at the top of my voice. I won't be making a habit of praying for the small things in life, but I'll never ever doubt that it's ok to do so sometimes.

First time.

2009-07-21T16:29:00.002+01:00

Well I did venture out and about and I fully expected to have a huge crowd around me, listening intently to me sharing God's word. However it wasn't quite like that, I wasn't very good at it actually and all I managed to do for the whole hour, was, to accept a Christian leaflet from a nice man who wasn't with our group. I know what it was, it was fear of rejection, I've always struggled with that one.

I'm not daunted though and I will try again, because I want to.

Giving thanks.

2009-07-05T23:07:00.005+01:00

It seems to me the closer you get to God, the more you're tested and things will also most definitely pop up to prevent you getting to church where the comforting arms of the presence of God restores the peace and balance in your life. Rising to the challenge and standing firm is not the first thing that springs to mind in such circumstances and I can see why it would be very easy to question God, 'Lord I pray, I believe, I try to live as you would want me to live, so why does it sometimes feel like I'm trying to jump one hurdle after another'?

I think it's all about how we view the hurdles, we can look upon them as a victim and feel downtrodden, or badly done by compared to others, or we might think that God just isn't listening to us. The one thing we don't consider is to give thanks, why should we? we're suffering here.

Turn it around, does the devil think that I'm that much of a threat that he has to continually try to poison my relationship with God? That says something loud and clear to me, continue to give thanks to God, whether it be for the good weather, the good food, the good roof over our heads, or.........that we are so close to God and important enough for the devil to take time out to target us and make us feel like a victim.

I'm on a course at church which involves getting out there and sharing God's word, it's something I feel I really want to do, but it's scary because way back I would probably have been one of the people I'm bound to come across in the street, who thinks I'm a lunatic, but I feel passionate about saving as many people as I possibly can and a bit of rejection along the way is a small price to pay.

I don't often ask for God to speak directly to me but a couple of days ago I did. The next morning I opened my bible to continue where I'd left off four days ago and I read;

' Because you have seen me, you have believed, Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed'
John 20 v 29.

Sharing

2009-06-18T21:52:00.002+01:00

Now that college is finished I've been spending some quality time with my sister, it's been ages and I've missed our time together terribly. She asked me a question today 'Is church the reason why you are so positive and happy'? I thought for a moment because in the past I probably would have answered 'yes' and left it there. However, because I now have a bit more confidence in sharing my faith I decided to tell her why I really feel happy and positive. I said it was because I have God in my life and because I truly believe and try to live Gods word my life is Blessed in many ways.

Sometimes family are the hardest to be open with, but today I found it so easy.

Praise God

Challenging

2009-05-26T22:52:00.003+01:00

How do we share God's word?

As a fairly new born again Christian I tend to avoid out and out evangelism for several reasons, one, because I don't like having hell, fire and damnation thrown at me so I don't throw it at anyone else and two, because I'm embarrassed that people will think I've lost the plot if I walk up to a stranger and start talking about God. However the course I'm doing at church at the moment is making me look at why and how we talk to people about heaven and hell and where we think we'll end up. If I'm a Christian I obviously believe there is a God and I also believe there is a devil....

So! if we know there are two options why do we hesitate, why don't we just get out there and try to save as many people as we can so they don't end up in hell? I don't know the answer to that at the moment but that's why I'm doing this course, I'm learning and I'm being challenged to move out of my 'comfort zone'.

On eagles wings.

2009-05-10T14:35:00.003+01:00

For some reason I just couldn't get myself on here yesterday, it was two years ago yesterday that we had to say goodbye (for now) to Chris and a voice in my head kept telling me I should be on here marking the day, but I sat down a few times and the words just wouldn't come to me. I'm quite glad now because the post could have been a bit depressing or negative and they're not words I ever associate with thoughts of Chris. Positive and happy are definitely what springs to mind whenever I think of him and because I know he's keeping an eye on me, positive and happy I will be.

It doesn't take a genius to hear the change in my mood and it's because I've experienced something special.....again. I missed church last week, we had the run up to the dreaded day and somewhere along the way I lost my joy and inner peace and couldn't focus on the positives, it wasn't nice. Today however is a bit different, no, it's a lot different. From the moment I left for church this morning I've been so close to Chris, on the journey there I had vivid pictures in my mind of us laughing hysterically, during the worship songs whenever I closed my eyes his face was there smiling and by the end of the service I felt uplifted beyond belief.

Col talked about us sharing God's Word and showing others just how different life is when you have a relationship with Him, I know I've said it many times before but I'll say it again, I wish I could bottle it and give everyone a dose of what I have, because it's so special and it's free to anyone who asks for it.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
Wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord,
Our God, you reign forever,
Our hope, our strong deliverer,
You are the everlasting God,
You do not faint, you don't grow weary,
You're the defender of the weak,
You comfort those in need,
You lift us up on wings, like eagles.

Inspiring

2009-04-23T22:34:00.003+01:00

I pinched this off Chris's blog because I liked it a lot.

I refuse to be discouraged, To be sad, or to cry;
I refuse to be downhearted, and here’s the reason why:
I have a God who’s mighty, Who’s sovereign and supreme;
I have a God who loves me, and I am on His team.

He is all-wise and powerful. Jesus is His name;
Though everything is changeable, My God remains the same.
My God knows all that’s happening; Beginning to the end;
His presence is my comfort; He is my dearest Friend.

When sickness comes to weaken me, To bring my head down low,
I call upon my mighty God; Into His arms I go.
When circumstances threaten to rob me of my peace;
He draws me close unto His breast, Where all my strivings cease.

When my heart melts within me, and weakness takes control;
He gathers me into His arms, He soothes my heart and soul.
The great “I AM” is with me. My life is in His hand.
The “Son of the Lord” is my hope. It’s in His strength I stand.

I refuse to be defeated. My eyes are on my God;
He has promised to be with me, As through this life I trod.
I’m looking past all my circumstances, To Heaven’s throne above;
My prayers have reached the heart of God I’m resting in His love.

I give God thanks in everything. My eyes are on His face;
The battle’s His, the victory mine; He’ll help me win the race.

Stronger

2009-04-11T22:09:00.002+01:00

I know I've said it many times, that God is my strength, but until recently I had just related that strength to the fact that I got through losing my lovely son and can still look at life with a positive mind. But it is so much more than that. I have totally changed, I'm not the person I was before I asked God to come into my life.

Frida's visit was the first thing that lead me to look at where I am now. I remember thinking how is it possible for anyone to forgive on the scale that she had, and how can she smile and be so positive. Second, I recently had what people who have lost someone very close to them term 'a wave', this is when grief hits you all over again. Afterwards I realised that although I'd been terribly sad during that wave, I still remained positive about everything else in my life. Terribly sad and positive are two emotions that could never have happened at the same time in my old life. Oh no! if I was terribly sad, then I would veer towards negative and depressed would usually make an appearance.

Thirdly, on Sunday Col (our pastor) talked about achieving greater things through faith, he said we're surrounded by a great crowd of witnesses, we should choose to find the gifts in each other and encourage them to get to the finishing line. We all have a different race mapped out for us and we all have a different finishing line, so there's no competition and we can all help each other to get there. Don't look back, look forward and with perseverance head for the the finishing line throwing off anything that entangles us. A few years ago I would have heard those words and my reaction would have been 'easier said than done Col'. but college this year has shown me time after time that to live by this brings out the very best in the human spirit.

I have a fourth so sit back down.

An injury to my shoulder and neck prompted me to get in touch with someone I haven't seen for two years, she's a holistic therapist and she's going to fix me, but the bonus is, she will also give me an insight into treating people from a holistic point of view and that will be invaluable for when I become a nurse.

Because I'm a student I now have to evaluate.

Because I have God in my life I have equilibrium, I trust totally in where I am and where I'm going and if things change tomorrow I know I'll be ok.

Amazing

2009-04-08T21:46:00.003+01:00

My life goes from strength to strength, I haven't been on here for a while but I just wanted to do a quick update to let anyone who reads this blog know I'm good. I have something on my heart and will blog soon.

God Bless.
x x x

Special day.

2009-03-15T22:17:00.003Z

I have had the most amazing day today and I'll carry it with me for ever and ever. We had Frida from Rwanda visiting us, she shared her miraculous story of her escape from death during the genocide in 1994. She also spoke to us about forgiveness and how she'd been freed by forgiving the people who killed her family and left her presumed dead. I mentioned Frida previously on here when her husband was visiting us sometime last year and I longed to meet her, but didn't ever think I would. You know that feeling you get when someone inspires you and you would love to meet them in person, well I had that when I listened to Steve (her husband) talking about her. I couldn't believe it when Col (our pastor) said she was going to be coming to our church sometime this year.

This morning I was humbled by her courage, touched by her sincerity and so full of happiness from the infectious joy that she spread through the whole room. I cried the whole way through the first part of her story this morning, but tonight, yes, I was still moved beyond belief that a human being should have had to endure such horror, but I was also fired up with enthusiasm. Frida will probably never know the extent to which she has made a difference to me, I'll hold her in my heart for ever and I thank God for sending her to our church. Frida has written a book about her story, if you have a few bob spare go buy it and help her to continue to make a difference.

'Chosen to die, destined to live'
Frida Gashumba

God Bless you Frida.

I do like Sundays.

2009-02-22T20:54:00.002Z

I had the skin prickling much joy feeling at church this morning and the amosphere was amazing, as it always is when many people gather in the presence of God. I've been praying for someone very dear to me and while I was driving home a picture came into my head, I saw the person smiling and chatting with a look on their face that I haven't seen for a long time.

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint You won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles.

James

2009-02-19T08:56:00.004Z

Have four birthdays really passed
Since we spoke
Since we shared a smile
Or listened to
'A different beat'
Together.

Missing you lots, Happy Birthday babe.
Love Aunty Sue x

When the lion roars.

2009-02-18T09:03:00.002Z

I think this video is totally awsome, what an amazing testimony. Thanks to Chris for posting it on his blog and to Rebecca for sharing her story.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ut1SR4pPMKA

Centered

2009-02-15T15:16:00.003Z

It was truly fabulous to go to church this morning and not have to worry about rushing off home to study, I hadn't realised just how much difference it makes to be centered on God and not have anything else on my mind.

Col continued on the theme he began last week, which is, "why we are sometimes in the wilderness" meaning that hard things come along and we struggle, it might be a few days or a few years, but we've all been there and I imagine we've all wondered why we have to go through very difficult times. I can only talk from a personal point of view here and say, at the most difficult time in my life, I felt at my most calm, most looked after and most loved. I don't know why I had to say goodbye to Chris, but I do know that my coming out of the wilderness is shaping me into a different person and somewhere down the line God has a plan for me. I embrace that thought.

Reflections

2009-01-07T13:05:00.003Z

It doesn't do to be on one's own in the house all day, you do too much housework. So, I've paused to reflect on 2008.

All things considered it was a good year for me and my life is enriched beyond anything I'd ever imagined. The very best thing that happened last year was my baptism, which was the confirmation that my life, from that day forward, would be given to God. Had I only known what life was like when you truly walk with God, I'd have been first in the queue.

In September I started college, in my quest to knock number 1 off my list of things to do before I die. The course has given me so many wonderfully positive things in my life, I've met lots of new people, I love people, the more I meet in this life, the better. I have a reason to get up, look presentable and get myself out of the house every day. I have to use my brain, so I get tired and sleep like a log. I've worked harder than ever before in academic terms and the results have left me amazed at what I could achieve. I'm not really surprised though, because I asked for help and when you ask and you truly believe, you receive.

Christmas day was nice, it was just myself, Mike and John for dinner, then we watched a film, it was peaceful and happy, because I'm blessed with the family I have. (quote stolen from Chris's message).

When I told John I'd got 89% overall in Biology, he said, "just imagine, you could have been a doctor" I pondered for a minute and then replied, "I wouldn't change a thing" except the obvious of course, to still have Chris here.

Whether or not I end up at university doesn't matter that much, because I'm starting 2009 full of optimism, regardless of which path I'm meant to be on.

Chris

2009-01-01T02:07:00.003Z

It's 2009 down here and we miss you more than ever babe. Wish you were here.

Strength

2008-11-24T23:23:00.003Z

I've not been on here for a while, well that's not true actually, because I have, but I ended up hitting the delete button soon after reading my post back. I wrote another letter to Chris, I made up a poem to him and I just plain poured my heart out about how painful Christmas is. But for some reason I just couldn't post it.

I've had one of those horrid waves this last week and it all started when I tried to do Christmas shopping over a week ago. John and I set out to find this market, but as soon as I got out of the car and saw the decorations and heard the Christmas songs, I wanted no part of it. What used to be a happy, magical time, is just so sad when you've had to say goodbye to your child.

It's strange, but one of the blogs I read tonight was about a person who had received a transplant, he was paying tribute to his donor and saying thank you for my gift of life. It touched me and reminded me that I did get to see Chris enjoy a 'normal' life, some parents don't get that chance.

The one and only thing that has kept me going through this last week is a Sunday, when I get to church. I can't explain it to anyone, but it gives me superhuman strength. The lump in my throat is getting smaller now and I will do Christmas this year, thanks to the strength that God gives me, the lovely friends and family I have around me and reading Oli's blog.

Love again.

2008-11-09T22:47:00.005Z

What an awsome day I've had today. As I've already said on my other blog, the service this morning was amazingly uplifting and tonight has been so special. Our church hosted the get together of several churches on the Wirral and I can't begin to put into words how good it feels to be among like minded people who just 'love' each other.

Being a welcomer at the door I stuck my hand out to greet everyone and do you know how wonderful it is that there's no embarrassment and no fear of rejection, it's just niceness and I'm Blessed to be a part of it.

I'm proud to be a part of working together on the Wirral.

Its good to be back.

2008-11-02T13:48:00.004Z

What a truly wonderful feeling it is to be back in God's presence, to be filled with the joy of The Holy Spirit has to be the most comforting, strengthening and loving place that exists.

As I've done before and I daresay I'll do again, I got lost in believing I could handle the hard things in life with just my own strength and before I knew it, the inner peace and joy had started to wane. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a miserable person, but over the last few weeks that special thing was missing, I haven't even blogged about church for ages. That's probably because I didn't go last week and wasn't really there in spirit the week before. How, I ask myself, can I let my trust in God take a back seat and battle on with only human strength, when I know for sure I only have to open up and ask.

I'll tell you why, because sometimes the horrid things in life stun me for a while and I flounder and forget to ask God to help me to deal with them. This last few weeks four young people I know of have lost their lives and it is hard to come to terms with. To just accept and not acknowledge the sadness would be inhuman and disrespectful to the families and friends of those young people. To be sad and still have as strong a faith is something that I am Blessed with. But I still need reminding that I can't do it alone. I needed to hear Col's words today, every bit as much as Williams message, just to remind me that no matter what happens, God will pick me up and restore my joy and peace.

It's not by chance that my favourite song was sung this morning because I hear those words every time I really need them. Praise God.

You are my strength
Strength like no other
Strength like no other
Reaches to me

You are my hope
Hope like no other
Hope like no other
Reaches to me

In the fullness of your grace
In the power of your name
You lift me up
You lift me up

Unfailing love
Higher than mountains
Deeper than oceans
Reaches to me

Your love O Lord
Reaches to the heavens
Your faithfulness
Reaches to the skies

I know that God has plans for me, He put college on my path and through Him I am doing better than I ever thought possible, because He is my strength.

Thoughts

2008-10-25T12:15:00.006+01:00

I'm not going to go on about how full of joy my life is, as I usually do on here, because it just doesn't seem the right thing to do at the moment.

I've just been reading a thread on the cf forum which was posted by a young man with cf. He tells us how hard he's finding it to deal with the passing of a beautiful young girl (also with cf) whom he didn't really know that well. Young people with cf who are members of the forum read about others with cf losing their life regularly, it knocks them down, but time after time they pick themselves back up again and carry on. I have such great admiration for these wonderful and courageous people and they would absolutley hate me for saying that they're brave, because to them it's just life with cf. But I want to say it, because I feel it deeply right now.

The other reason for wanting to blog about this is because we have a similar situation going on here at the moment. Tragically two young lives have been lost in separate road traffic accidents, both of them were friends of my son Mike's girlfriend. One of them was one of her best friends and she's having a really hard time trying to come to terms with it. Mike has already lost his cousin, uncle and brother, which is harsh at such a young age, but these recent tragic deaths have really hit him hard, even though he hardly knew them.

Life is so difficult sometimes, I pray for everyone struggling to cope with the utter unfairness of it all and especially for the friends and families of Toria, Josh and Lucinda.

Lovely things

2008-10-20T22:40:00.002+01:00

A very lovely and special friend of mine sent me this verse on Chris's birthday. It made me smile and that's a good 'thing'

I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine, He said.
For you to love the while he lives and mourn when he is dead,
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you, but should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories, as solace for your grief,
I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.

I've looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call to take him back again.

I fancied that I heard them say: "Dear Lord, Thy will be done"
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness; we'll love him while we may,
And for happiness we've known, forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for him much sooner than we'd planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.

Thank you Em.

My life continues to be Blessed.

Chris.

2008-10-14T08:47:00.003+01:00

Happy Birthday babe.

I can't write any more, feeling very vulnerable today.

Hard things.

2008-10-12T21:38:00.003+01:00

I miss you so much.

Love..part a hundred an odd.

2008-10-05T22:10:00.002+01:00

We’re back on the ‘Love’ thing this week and this time Col talked a lot about loving our husband/wife/children. He really could have been talking directly to me today because my poor husband and child haven’t seen very much of me in the last month. College is all consuming at the moment and it really is taking up a lot of my time, note to myself, don’t forget you have a hubby and son. During the service Col was saying he was so very glad he didn’t become a pastor when the children were young, because he’d have missed out on spending quality time with them. A lot of his time is taken up these days with the never ending (I imagine) things a pastor does. He urged us to take time out for our children and also for our partners, it has a big effect on our kids when they see their mum and dad happily spending time with each other. Do it!! before its too late, he said. At this point Daph, who was sitting next to me got hold of my hand and she kept hold of it for ages, Bless her. At the end she put her arms around me and said ‘I really felt it for you’ I got a bit of a lump in my throat, but I was able to say to her “I’m Blessed you know Daph” and I am, because the message our Chris left for us told me I’d done it right, I can’t begin to tell you how priceless that is.

There was another wonderful thing about today; Col had been to a Catholic funeral last week, it was the first time he’d seen the ‘breaking of bread’ in a Catholic church. He was touched by the respect with which the alter boy and girl laid out the cloths and the way people went to the front to receive the bread. He then announced ‘we are going to do it different here today’ everyone listened intently, ‘we’re going to do it the Catholic way’ and instead of passing the basket and wine round we’re all going to come to the front. Well my heart leapt a bit, I used to be a Catholic and part of me feels a bit guilty that I’ve abandoned a faith that I grew up with. I don’t regret becoming a ‘born again’ Christian for one minute, but I was overjoyed that the church is now becoming so open to other faiths, what an amazingly wonderful world this would be if we all loved and respected each other, no matter what………………now that would be mega love.

I am full to the brim with pure joy today, thank you My awesome God.

Great things.

2008-09-28T20:34:00.002+01:00

The children were the main focus of the service today, the little one’s and the big one’s. The little one’s were given prizes for various achievements throughout the year and the big one’s (adults) treated us to a puppet show all about Noah, it was fab.

Next up was Ian, who spent most of his time striding around and talking to us in a blindfold, earmuffs and oven gloves, never a dull moment in our church you know! He was actually portraying how he’d appear if an angel had looked down on him 19 years ago.. It’s a pretty good description of where I was at just over a year ago. I didn’t really see God or hear him and I needed someone to take the gloves off for me (thank you Wend) so I could undo the blindfold and remove the ear muffs. I actually said to my friends today ‘ I so wish this had happened years ago’ but I know that God’s timing is always right, I’m where I should be now. Praise God.

Then came a moment I’m still trying to find a word for, a reunion of three friends from childhood. As we sat and chatted over coffee and cake I couldn’t stop looking at these two precious people who I’d grown up with. I was so scared they would disappear, but at the same time I knew that they were here to stay, because my life continues to be Blessed with such amazing things.

How great is our God eh!

Sing with me
How great is our God
and all will see
How great, How great
Is our God.

And He is you know.

Love is all around...

2008-09-21T21:22:00.001+01:00

Oh wow, what a truly wonderful service it was today. Love is in the air again and I have to say at this point I don’t ever want to be anywhere else, I’ll just stay right here in my life because I’m surrounded by love on all sides and it gets better and better.

Love God and Love Thy neighbour, that’s it, just that. It brings so many good things into your life, don’t keep score of the things in life that people have done or said to hurt you, forgive, forget and move on, you will be Blessed in every way, believe me it’s a different life. I know because I’m living it right now and I’ll be the first to say, when people told me about walking with God I didn’t believe that what they had was any better than I had, but there really is no comparison. I have no idea what I used to think Joy was, maybe a good holiday, a new car or a good old knees-up at the local, I really don’t remember, because the Joy that goes right through to my soul now, I swear I’ve never felt before in my life. Praise God.

1 Corinthians 13.

We had a wedding today, it was Duc and Le, its been a long time since I went to a wedding and it made me cry, strangely enough it was the very first time I have ever cried at a wedding. I just felt so much emotion for this lovely couple starting out on their married life, a life that they will put totally into Gods hands, its an awesome feeling when you’re at one with God and everyone else in the room is too, you can feel His presence, it prickles your skin and takes you to somewhere that no human being can ever take you.

Yes, I have had to say goodbye to my precious son and that is definitely the most painful thing a parent will ever have to face here on earth, it still hurts more than anything ever has or ever will, but I have Peace, Joy and so much Love in great quantities that nobody will ever convince me it could be anything but a miracle.

Loving this song:

Father God You are my rock,
Its you I trust,
And my heart is longing after You,
It’s You I love,
Cause I want to know You,
To be always with You,
To be always by Your side,
And when I am shaken,
You are my foundation,
All my life, I’ll testify.

Great are You Lord, exalted on high,
Great are You Lord exalted and
I will find my shelter in the shadow of Your Wings,
My Father God.

Amazing.

2008-09-14T19:39:00.003+01:00

Oh wow what a brilliant time I had at church this morning, I continue to be in awe of the way God enriches my life, the Grace and Joy is limitless and I’m so very glad that I have Him walking beside me giving me all the things that strengthen me.

Neil was our speaker today, he was bringing part 2 of his message, I’d missed last week but was able to catch up easily enough. The thing about being there and listening to the speaker is that we will all probably take our own message from it and apply it to our own circumstances, we all live different lives and have our own challenges but I find it amazing that every time I listen I feel as though those words were meant especially for me. What I took from today was no matter where we are in life just now, if we stumble as we travel down the path then God will pick us up, dust us off and set us right back on the path, we just have to ask him into our life, live his word and believe that what we ask for will be given.

Sometimes things crop up that scare me or try to bring me down, I’m human and I sometimes forget to ask for the protection and Grace that I know I can have any time. I went back to studying recently and as my previous post explains I started to feel the old familiar anxieties of my school days when I struggled to achieve what was required, it was scary, until this morning that is when I was told ‘ask and believe and you will be given’ God picked me up, got me back on my feet and set me back on the path. I’m so totally full of optimism because I know I can do this now.

For ages we’ve all been praying for L, she’s gone out to Africa to work in a centre for disabled children, she went alone with no permanent accommodation and no friends to keep her company. My prayer for L has been:

‘Thank you Lord for making it possible for L to go out to Africa and help the children and their parents. Send her your strength, let her find accommodation and help her to make friends so that she isn’t lonely’

Her latest communication said she’d found a flat to rent, there were a number of people wanting to rent it but the landlord said he felt compelled to give it to her, she had no money to furnish it but prayed and put it into Gods hands. The next day the landlord said he’d decided to furnish it for her, completely, including extra little luxuries like cushions on the couch. Then the money ran out for the building of the centre and it was thought the whole thing might be held up, low and behold the money came and the centre will be finished in October. She has made lots and lots of friends and is overjoyed about how things are going out there. What a miracle. Praise God.

During the service Col’s guitar string broke so we were all told to chat among ourselves while he fixed it and as I was nattering a familiar face appeared in front of me. I can’t begin to describe how overcome with pure Joy I was to realise it was one of my childhood friends, not just anyone though, it was the third person in our ‘trio’ she’d been living abroad and had only recently moved back here. Wendy Chris and I were very close when we were growing up, we weren’t always our parent’s idea of model children and I never ever imagined we would be reunited in the way we have, but God did. Thank you Lord for all you’ve done and continue to do for me, I am so very Blessed.

Song for this week has to be.

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Saviour has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

Banishing Demons.

2008-09-13T21:29:00.003+01:00

Ok I feel like this particular issue is a quiet time one, its nothing to do with Chris or church but it is something that I’m a bit reluctant to put on my normal blog. I have a learning problem that stems back to childhood, it’s definitley a mental thing rather than anything else though. When I was at school I always managed to get the wrong end of the stick and went off at the wrong angle, I’d write loads and it usually had nothing at all to do with the answer they were looking for. Time after time I’d be told to read the question properly before I waded in with the size 7’s, but I never ever learned to do that so ended up feeling as though I was unteachable ( I know that isn’t a word).

This hasn’t been a problem for many years because I was totally confident in everything regarding running a home, working here and there and bringing up two kids. However I’m now back at school and the old demons are reminding me that it wasn’t easy first time round and I do panic now and again that it will be a repeat performance of an earlier life.

First lesson in Psychology was about childhood memories that we didn’t like being shoved into the unconscious and only emerging into the sub conscious when something triggers it and they leak out, well its leaked now and I’m determined that its going to be dealt with and put to bed. I know I’m capable of learning if I don’t panic about it and put the wall up, so I’m working hard on facing up to my demons and telling them to go to hell, they don’t have a place in my life now. That was a different life and they are not getting a look in on this one……..So there!!

Every day should be a Sunday.

2008-08-31T21:02:00.002+01:00

Our speaker today was Steph, she's 19 and has just completed a year at bible college, she has 2 more to do and I reckon she's going to be a brilliant at whatever she's called to do. God has no boundries you know, some might think can I really sit here and listen to a 19 year old preaching 'The Word' after all, I'm 50 odd and have seen and done it all. Steph has been in bible college exactly the same time as I've been going to Kings and do you know what, she fired me up today because she has a passion.

This past week I've been spinning plates, you know that one in the circus where you run from one spinning plate to another trying to keep every one going and panicking in case one of those plates fall and break, you feel that if you dont keep those plates up on the sticks and they fall then its somehow down to you because you could have run faster and kept it up.

Well I learned today that no matter how hard we try to keep those plates up, at the end of the day we have to stop and concentrate on our own relashionship with God and when we do that for real and live His Word we receive that peace, the one that allows us to take a step back and let the plates find their own balance.

Its not just about a Sunday, it can be Sunday every day if I want it to be, God wants to look out for us but he can't do that unless we ask him into our life and truly want him there. I'm still learning because I occasionally have times when I go off on one, today brought me back again thanks to a 19 year old. Its been said many times, God uses unlikely people and unusual circumstances, we just have to break out of our comfy place and acknowledge it.

Listen.

2008-08-24T22:52:00.005+01:00

Sundays have a habit of handing me something very special and today was no exception. Ian was our speaker for today and he was brilliant, he talked about the way we read or listen to Gods word. We can read the bible from back to front, put it down and tell ourselves we are ‘there’ we have a valid passport to heaven. We can go along on a Sunday, sing the songs hear the words that the speaker shares with us and happily go off for lunch at Pizza Hut safe in the knowledge that we have that ticket to everlasting life safely in our pocket.

Only…..its not quite as easy as that, when we read or hear Gods word we have to be sure to listen and absorb it then live it daily, sort of renewing that passport that we’ve been issued with. I used to think that when I got to the gates they would be opened and I’d walk in no problem, after all I considered myself to be a Christian so my name would be on the list. But saying to myself that I was a Christian and actually living each day in Gods word, knowing Him and believing that the joy and peace in my life is Him has shown me once again that I didn’t really know Him at all, I just thought I did.

Way back I used to ask God for something for my mum and sort of hoped I’d wake up one morning finding it had happened overnight, recently I’ve asked the same thing but the difference is I truly believed it would happen. I got a phone call from my mum in the week asking me if she could come to church with me this Sunday and afterwards she said she’d felt something she couldn’t put into words while Ian was talking. She said she felt totally absorbed when he was speaking and ‘listened’ and ‘heard’.

My mum stayed in a crowded room for the whole of the service, that might seem an easy thing to do for some people but for her it was a huge achievement.

Praise you my awesome God for talking through Ian today and reaching out to my mum.

My very favourite song for this week and I so wish I could sing proper.

You are my strength
Strength like no other
Strength like no other
Reaches to me

You are my hope
Hope like no other
Hope like no other
Reaches to me

In the fullness of your grace
In the power of your name
You lift me up
You lift me up

Unfailing love
Stronger than mountains
Clearer than oceans
Reaches to me.

2 years.

2008-08-20T16:46:00.004+01:00

Hey you Christopher!

Drag yourself away from whatever project you have on the go up there and listen for a minute. Its the 20th of August 2008 down here, do you remember two years ago yesterday in the carphone warehouse when you got the call for your transplant and you acted like it was nothing. You got back in the queue to buy your phone eventhough we only had an hour and a half to get to the hospital. You did my head in that day, even insisting on driving us all there.

Anyway, I made you a candle to mark the actual day you got your new lungs and to thank the donor for giving us that extra time with you.

How cool is that

I'm laughing now because I know exactly what your answer would be 'Its rubbish, in fact its the stooooopidest candle I've ever seen'. Blimey it feels like you are sitting right beside me just now, I so wish you were.

Loving and forgiving......

2008-08-18T17:52:00.005+01:00

I've put off blogging about a certain hoax blog because to be honest when I first heard it might be a fake I laughed my head off at myself for being so guilable. However it seems there are others who were badly hurt as a result of this and for them I feel very sorry.

This weeks service was once again about loving our neighbour so I'm going to forgive whoever it was that caused me a couple of days flashbacks to when Chris was in ICU. I'll also let them off with the many prayers I said for their healing because I beleive they need that more than ever. I'm ok and I'll pray that everyone else who was affected is ok too.

Baptism testimony - 10th August 2008

2008-08-12T19:11:00.003+01:00

Hello everyone,

I’d like to start by saying I’ve always believed in God and I’ve always prayed, it sort of went like this:

The Our Father
The Hail Mary
The Confession
The Eternal rest

Followed by prayers for various family and friends, it was always in the same order and if my mind wandered or I momentarily dozed off I’d have to start at the beginning again, why? Because prayer was done parrot fashion and I talked at God rather than to Him.

I had to say goodbye to my youngest son in May of last year, he was 24 years old and had probably faced more pain emotionally and physically than most of us here today will ever have to deal with, but he left a message in his diary to be read out at his funeral. It said this:

I would like to start by saying I have had the best of life I could ask for, even having cystic fibrosis my life was made so easy and laid back. I count myself lucky to be Blessed with the family I have. I couldn’t ask for anything better simply because better doesn’t exist. My family is the best. As for cystic fibrosis, yes I had it but my mum, dad and Mike made it so easy to live with, I am so grateful. As for my friends, I couldn’t ask for better, I thank them all.
God Bless you all, every one of you.

Chris had a double lung transplant due to cystic fibrosis, this was to be his new life, but unfortunately he developed complications just eight and a half months later. While he was ill I lived in a bungalow at the hospital, it was a desperate time for me, his dad and his brother Mike. Every day brought us more bad news and it was the longest 6 weeks of our lives, but during this time I received regular texts from many many people, one of who was my lifelong friend Wendy. She would send messages suggesting I read God’s word, sometimes it would be a psalm, sometimes a reading and I spent most nights of those 6 weeks building a proper relationship with God.

I didn’t see it at the time but I used to get what I called ‘my calm’ it was an amazing feeling, not like anything I’d ever experienced before. It clicked in many times while Chris was ill and helped me to get through every parents worst nightmare. I knew before the doctors did that we would have to say goodbye to Chris and when they finally agreed with me and stopped aggressive treatment he smiled, although unconscious, he smiled.

My ‘calm’ as I called it has clicked in many times in the last year just when I most needed it, Mothers Day, my birthday, Chris’s birthday, Christmas and the anniversary of saying goodbye to him, I don’t call it my calm any more though because I now know its God’s peace and God’s strength.

Chris and I had made plans to come to Kings together, he called it Wendy’s church because whenever we met her in Asda she’s say ‘when are you coming to my church’ so he thought it belonged to her. Sadly he never made it, but that’s what brought me here and its no coincidence because God had his hand on me and on Chris way before we knew anything about it.

My prayers have changed slightly these days, it sort of goes like this now ‘Praise you my God for where I am now and where I want to stay always’ I talk to God now as I would chat to a friend and it doesn’t matter if I momentarily wander or doze because He knows what is truly in my heart.

We’ll never know the reason why we had to say goodbye to Chris, we prayed, Kings prayer group prayed and many more people prayed. But maybe, just maybe Chris also prayed, but a different prayer. On one occasion while he was conscious he said to me ‘this isn’t going to work mum’ and I knew he’d had enough, I trust that God did too.

I won’t pretend that life is easy for me John and Mike without our Chris because it isn’t, I still cry most days but I certainly never imagined I’d be able to laugh, feel joy, peace or calm again, I do though, I feel all of those things daily because whenever I’m struggling I’ve learned to hand it over to God and He never ever fails me.

Not only have I gained strength in my walk with God but I’ve also been able to help others who have lost a child and are finding it hard to cope, how Blessed am I to be able to do that.

In September I’m starting college and in 4 years time at 56 years old I’ll be a qualified nurse, I say that in full confidence because if that is my gift then God will make it happen, if it isn’t then I know I’ll be shown the path I should follow, that’s the great thing about having God in my life, its not complex or complicated, its simple, so why on earth did I struggle for so long when all I had to do was ask, I’ll tell you why, because I didn’t really know Him, but I do now and if I could I would prescribe everyone I know a huge dose of what I have, because its free and unlike some medication it works every time.

I had a crazy idea that I’d like to sing on my baptism day, but I was born tone deaf and I’m also officially stone deaf in my right ear so will spare you all that pleasure but the song that touched me the very moment I heard it made such an impression on me that I’d like to speak the words to you.

Father I place into your hands the things I cannot do.
Father I place into your hands the things that I’ve been through.
Father I place into your hands the way that I should go.
For I know I always can trust you.

Father I place into your hands my friends and family.
Father I place into your hands the things that trouble me.
Father I place into your hands the person I would be.
For I know I always can trust you.

Father we love to see your face, we love to hear YOUR VOICE.
Father we love to sing your praise and in your name rejoice.
Father we love to walk with you and in your presence rest.
For we know we always can trust you.

Father I want to be with you and do the things you do.
Father I want to speak the words that you are speaking too.
Father I want to love the one’s that you will draw to you.
For I know, that I am one with you.

For I know, that I am one with you.

Col has mentioned many times that God often chooses unusual circumstances or unlikely people to glorify his name, I think my story backs that up because who would ever think that losing a son would be the thing that brought me to Him, but it did and do you know why? Because He wanted me to be saved, that’s why. Its not about me, its about what God has done and will continue to do for me, how exciting is that.

_______________

I miss you so much Chris, you continue to inspire me and many others in the way you lived your life and always put others before yourself. I know you are still with me and always will be until the day we meet again. I love you babe.
Love mum. x

I'm excited now.

2008-08-04T21:55:00.002+01:00

I've just got back from my Baptism class and I'm sooooooo filled with amazing happiness, I'm also hoarse because I played my God 1 CD and sang at the top of my voice all the way home.

I'm well Blessed I am.

Steps.

2008-08-02T20:51:00.003+01:00

I did it, I went and I stayed an hour and a half and yes it was very very hard. J was in the room that Chris always favoured because it looked onto the garden that was designed especially for the cf patients, one of his favourite nurses Brian had got a lot of the cf'ers involved in making that garden and what an acheivement it was, in fact I'm sure thats what inspired our Chris to want a secret garden here. He got on brilliantley with Brian and even did a caricature of him which the staff had framed and gave to him when he left to go to another job.

The feeling on arriving at the hospital was that hollow one thats so hard to describe, its like a wave or a shudder and reaches the deepest part of your mind and body almost producing an inner moan like an animal. It makes you want to run away and hide somewhere where the hurt can't get you but of course you don't because you'd be running for the rest of your days.

Once I got to the ward, down the corridor and into J's room I was ok-ish and we had a right old laugh as she threw me a pot of what looked like medication. The label said 'One to be taken 10,000 times per day' blimey thats a hefty dose hunni I said, what are they? Steps she replied, I have to take 10,000 steps a day and thats 7 miles so there's no chance.........noooooooo way! She's taking part in a keep fit thing apparently so I said I'd text her when I got to the car park and tell her her how many it took me, I did and it was only 440 she was gutted.

I'm glad I went as I thought I'd be because when I've thought about the unit today I see J in that room first and recount some of the giggles we had last night, before my mind zooms back to Chris, its all about moving on and not getting stuck in a time warp to me, others may see it differentley because we all do it in our own way and what works for one doesn't always work for the other.

Praise God for my continued strength.

Firsts

2008-07-31T20:44:00.002+01:00

I’m going to The CTC tomorrow evening, I’ll be visiting a friend on The Amanda Unit, that’s the one Chris practically lived in pre-transplant and it’ll be the first time I’ve been back. I have a sketch of Chris’s that’s going to be put on the wall there and I said I’d take it one day when some of the staff I know are on duty so I can say hello. The more I thought about that day the more I reckoned it would be too overwhelming, so I said to J who Chris and I have known since paediatrics, when you next go in for iv’s I’ll come to see you, that will be a reason to go other than the focus being Chris, which is still so bloody painfull, especially when I’m doing something that just him and I did together for so long, its just so personal and always hits a very raw nerve.

So I’m going but I’ll not take his sketch because I’d like to take it up on or around his birthday and I would also like to see the staff again. By visiting J first I think it might make that day a bit easier. I know I could give the picture to somebody to take for me but I feel its something I want to do myself and I know by experience that I’ll be glad I did because these things are never as bad on the day as I think they will be.

I feel better already now that’s out of my head and into words, good idea this blog is.

2008-07-21T20:45:00.003+01:00

After a blip last week I’m back on track and once again all the stronger for it. I think I had to experience that blip for two reasons, to bring something to the surface that I hadn’t properly dealt with and also to show me again that if I hand it over to God instead of trying to battle through it myself, He’ll get it sorted. In the past I’ve always termed this as ‘cabbaged head’ and it’s a pretty good description of a mind that forgets to draw on the reservoir that God provides freely when I have Him in my life. It’s so easy in that mindset to allow any negatives or doubts in my life to rear up and replace the joy and calm that I’ve been Blessed with for so long now.

Something Col talked about on Sunday was speaking out about your faith, I don’t mean preaching but expressing how you truly feel about having God in your life, this will nearly always bring on reactions that challenge us. I had that happen to me last week during the blip, I was told I’d changed, lost the plot and was acting like I was being brainwashed. It really did upset me because it came from someone who I love very much so it hurt a lot. I went to bed that night and prayed for myself, I hated the doubts and negatives that were creeping in and I wanted the joy and my calm back again. As soon as I woke the next morning I knew I felt different, I had that lovely familiar feeling of calm, like you just downed a bottle of chill pills. Its great to be back here again and I don’t ever ever want to live a life that crowds my head with doubts or negative thoughts, so I’ll keep drawing on the reservoir and my head can tow the line and obey my heart.

This looks like being an epic blog because there’s another thing.

Speaking in public, now then some people are very good at this, they have the knack of keeping their audience captivated because they are very good with words, they probably never have to say erm to cover up and can even make little jokes along the way. This will not be me because when I get baptised on the 10th of August and give my testimony there WILL be erm’s along with a few throat clearings I imagine, but my story is one of hope, joy and positivity that came from circumstances which could easily have been a downward spiral for me.

God uses the most unlikely routes you know.

Day one of LOVE.

2008-06-23T21:32:00.002+01:00

I got out of bed this morning and said to myself its day 1 so what are you going to say out loud. The answer was YAAAAY!! its not raining, mission accomplished. Not one human being gave me cause for any agro but my pc did and I thought to myself, now then do I have to love my pc when it won't let me go online for the hundredth time. A confession must follow here, I mangled my glasses last time it booted me in the middle of an email, a very important very long email that was now lost in cyber space. I remembered Neils words, calmly shut it down and went out shopping for stuff for the barbie, high five to me for the non anger thing.

Now for something very close to my heart, if anyone reading this prays would you please say one for my lifelong friend who I love dearly, she's waiting on a diagnosis and its a very worrying time for her. Just say I pray that Sue's friend doesn't have anything seriously wrong with her.

Thank you loads.

Love.

2008-06-22T18:45:00.002+01:00

I Loved today’s service.

Neil, today’s speaker is a member of our church, he’s a young guy and has a style different to Colin our pastor, he’s every bit as passionate but in a way of his own. I love it when Col is speaking but I also thoroughly enjoy the contrast and style of others from time to time.

Today the service was about love and how to learn to respond to people who hurt, anger, annoy us etc…Its very hard to turn to somebody who has just insulted or wronged you and tell them ‘I’ll pray for your release from anger’ or ‘its okay I forgive you’ because when you feel hurt and upset, its so much easier to hit right back, it gives a quick release from the sting of the hurt they inflicted on you. I don’t know about anyone else but way back when I did rise to such situations it always made me feel worse doing the tit-for-tat thing.

I feel Blessed that anger doesn’t have a hold on me and I find loving and forgiving quite easy, but that’s something I’ll be testing out over the next month because Neil challenged us all to consciously get up every morning for a month and start the day on a happy note regardless of what is going on. Also when insulted, hurt or angered we should stop and think and try to give the opposite response of what comes natural, which is to slap the said insulter. I’m not too sure what I’ll say exactly when and if somebody hurts me as I honestly can’t remember the last time anyone was nasty to me so I’m well out of practise.

Angry person – Hey you, I think you’re a liar and a waste of space.
Me – Would you like tea or coffee.(with your arsenic)

Seriously though Love Thy Neighbour is the second most important thing to God, the first being to love God himself so I'm going to try it and see starting tomorrow.

1 Corinthians 13

Reality sucks sometimes.

2008-06-20T08:03:00.004+01:00

Sometimes it suddenly hits you that this is real, you really have had to say goodbye to one of your children and it shocks you all over again. One of my coping mechanisms is to keep busy and not think too deeply about Chris not physically being here, but we're planning a get together with family and friends soon and he won't be there. Reality hurts a lot.

I pray that God continues to give me the strength to see the 'good' in life as He has done so far. Its not always easy to maintain the close relationship I have with God, but everything rights itself once its back on track.

I miss you so much my lovely son.

Busy doing things.

2008-06-07T11:24:00.003+01:00

Lots of things in the pipeline at the moment and I'm doing ok. Praise God.

We've chosen a sketch of Chris's to be put on the wall at the cf unit and I finally got it to Marion this morning to be framed - sorted.

I'm going to be baptised at my new church sometime in the next month or so, its a bit of a mission to get a firm date at the moment because there are certain important (to me) people I want to be there and this is the holiday season. I'll be knocking one of the things off my 1-10 list on that day too as I'll be talking in public for the very first time in my life and I am very nervous, but I've written a testimonial because I beleive my story is meant to be shared.

Our church (King's Wirral) is taking part in a big event in Birkenhead Park which I am really looking forward to because several Wirral churches will be getting together and among other things we'll be singing.......YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll be blogging about that day after the event.

Thats all for now, today is a gardening day, life is good.

Emotion....again.

2008-05-28T08:04:00.000+01:00

Less than a week after doling advice out right left and centre I’ve come to the conclusion that I should shut up Why? because in the last two days I’ve ignored my inner voice and been a moody sod.

I do almost everything here, I always have and I’ve always been happy to do so but because John got arsey about taking the stick thing with my sisters party photo’s on it and putting it on her pc I saw my arse. At the time I wished I could be angry, but angry is alien to me I just get upset and cry a bit, then I got really down and developed cold sores and a couple of boils and……I wanted a divorce, all this over a little stick.

I ironed everything in sight on Monday while watching the God channel, there was this guy doing a talk on emotion and not giving into it because once you do you’ve lost it and it affects everyone’s reaction around you, I’m not talking about the grief emotion here, that’s perfectly normal, I mean anger, bitterness, jealousy things like that.

At work yesterday I had toothache, headache, cold sores a couple of boils horrendous tinitus and I was still a bit tearful from John’s aresyness and the icing on the cake was my boss was in such a bad mood, he kept slamming stuff and telling us to do what we already knew we would be doing once we finished the thing we were in the middle of doing. I thought about the emotion thing and decided to ‘hand it over to God’ as I was fast losing the will to live (just a saying).

I came home and through my letterbox was the loveliest letter and a book from a mum I’d met at the Bereaved Parents Network meeting, when I read the letter it put life back into perspective pronto, why on earth was I stressing over John saying ‘why can’t you do it’ it so wasn’t worth the energy I’d given it. Because I’m human that’s why, I should have handed it over to God sooner and that letter and book would have arrived earlier.
My God is awesome, I just need to remember that before I go off on one.

You live and learn.

2008-05-17T19:28:00.002+01:00

I've been on a course today run by Care of the Family an organisation set up to support people in all aspects of family life. Our pastor gave me a leaflet weeks ago and said it may or may not be helpful to me, it was a day long course for parents who'd lost children and they would try to seat you with people who's child was near the same age as yours.

I like to think I'm doing brilliantley and was quite sure I'd go along there and give more than I received but it didnt really work out that way. The people I sat with today were doing equally as well as I was in that they were there, they were continuing to live their lives and they were looking forward with as much determination as me. I wasn't special and I certainly wasn't able to give without receiving because as we all told our story it was obvious that each one of us had something which inspired the others.

I also realised there were issues that I hadn't yet allowed myself to think too deeply about simply because I like to be super human, so I did get upset and what's good about that is the fact that I didnt even realise they were lurking around in my subconcious until today, so they're out now.

The drive there was the hardest thing I've had to do for a while and I was dreading it because it followed the exact route to the cf unit which was practically Chris's second home and mine come to think of it. I drove past bawling my eyes out, but again I've done it now so its another bridge crossed.

Everyone there today including the organisers and speakers have been where I am now and I'm very glad I went but tonight I'm emotionally exhausted so I'm going to do as I was told and be kind to myself.....that'll be a double voddy and a large wedge of cake with cream 'cos I'm worth it'

Praise God for my continued strength.

Frida

2008-05-16T21:59:00.004+01:00

I've been wanting to do a quick blog about last Sunday's service all week but its been a strange week and time online has been rushed.

I didnt think I'd make it to church last week because I was exhausted after our full day doing the Great Strides and getting very lost on the way back, however I woke at 6am a bit full of beans so I went. I'm so glad I did because our speaker for the day was a guy called Steve and he was amazing.

He talked about his wife to begin with, she had survived the Rwandan genocide but had wanted to die after being buried alive with a number of her relatives. She was presumed dead when she was put into the mass grave but woke when they were putting the soil on top of them. She decided to keep quiet and spent 14 hours in there struggling to breathe, then eventually she managed to get free, whereupon she begged anyone and everyone to end her life because she couldn't bear the horror of what she'd experienced. Nobody would help her to end her life so she tried numerous times to end it herself but each time she survived.

She met Steve and they set up a church with 8 members and to date they now have around 1500 regular members. Steve was in the UK to share their story and we were lucky enough to have him visit us, it can't have been easy for him to help his wife through what must have been a massive struggle mentally but he was about the smiliest person I have met in a long time. I think we laughed more than we prayed last Sunday as he has a gift for spreading 'joy' and what an amazing testimony Frida his wife has.

I felt priviliged to be there to hear him speak and proud that he thought our church and our pastor reminded him of home.

Frida has written a book about her experience, its called 'Chosen to die destined to live' I imagine its going to be a hard read but also very inspirational.

2008-05-09T22:29:00.003+01:00

I've been putting a massive big blog together over the last few weeks, in it was every single thing I could remember about you because I'm so scared I'll forget one tiny detail. Someone asked me the other day 'Do you still hear Chris' how scary is it that one day I might not, I might have to play a tape to recall your voice.

I think I'll just record something that makes me smile babe, the rest I can read anytime now its written down. These are the last texts you sent me.

Shut it u am comin home in a min. x

bring some cream an u can do me feet. x

And I'm so glad now that I did take the cream and we had the chance to spend those few hours of pure quality time together.

I love you. x

2008-04-29T21:35:00.000+01:00

Its a week since I did that very emotional post and I would never have beleived I'd be feeling so different just one week later. After all we're even nearer the day now than we were last week, I should be feeling worse, but I'm not.

I've postponed blogging about last Sunday's service, why? I dont know. Maybe so I could put it into words that didnt sound like someone who'd lost the plot or maybe because I just wanted to keep it all to myself and enjoy it....kind of revel in it before I shared it with anyone. I've never experienced anything like it before in my life, call it a feeling/atmosphere/intimacy or as Col said Divine Intervention but it was amazing. During this Chris spoke to me, he didnt appear in front of me of course that would just be silly, but his face was as clear as a bell in my mind, he looked slightly different just a tad older and slightly rounder in his face. He said 'I'm happy you know mum' and I said 'I know you are' just like that, I didnt feel upset, surprised or anywhere near hysterical I just felt very calm almost as though it was the most natural thing in the world.

I still feel very peaceful and so much stronger than last week when I did that last post. Our church is brilliant, our God is awsome, and I am truly blessed.

We just need a womens breakfast now (wink)

HOW HARD IS THIS!!

2008-04-22T21:06:00.000+01:00

I love the sun and I love the garden but I've bawled my eyes out all day today, the smell of the cut grass, your willow tree, the patio you helped to build with your mates, the decking you supervised being built, the pond you and the lads made, Rodney, the cabin and the bloody sun......Arghhhhh!!

The day we got your willow.

Me and you after a hard days graft

You and the lads doing the pond

You supervising the patio building

You and Rodney

Your willow last summer (wrong date on camera)

We miss you so much.

Healing

2008-04-20T18:51:00.000+01:00

It’s Sunday again and I feel like getting something out of my head and into words, what’s brought it on this week?

Today’s service was mainly around healing and when ears were mentioned I was out at the front pronto because my right ear hasn’t been working for about 6 weeks now. I know it will get better I just don’t know the time and date just yet. However since I got home I’ve been thinking about God’s healing and I don’t just think it applies to fixing an ear, a back problem or anything else physical.

For years now I’ve had one or two drinks before bed (sometimes a tad more than that) and after saying goodbye to Chris last year I definitely wouldn’t consider going to bed totally sober because then I’d have to THINK and thinking is very very painful. Lately though I started to dislike the person who couldn’t quite remember going up to bed or getting up the next morning wondering what exactly I’d said when chatting late at night in cyberland. Feeling not quite top notch enough to go to the gym or clean the house started to get on my nerves where before it hadn’t bothered me one bit. So I decided to pray for release from alcohol, I asked God to help me to stop having a few drinks at night and to help me cope with the thinking that comes to a clear mind at night just before you go to sleep.

After about a week of praying on this I got up one morning a few weeks ago and knew that I wasn’t going to have a drink that night. Three weeks on I can’t believe how easy it is and after 20 odd years of having a few most nights I now don’t need it any more and I CAN think and I DO sleep.

Now that is healing.

SUNday

2008-04-13T16:35:00.000+01:00

Its Sunday again and as with every Sunday nowadays I’m feeling full of amazing peace, joy and freedom. I wish I could bottle it and give everyone I know a big dose of what I have I really do. Joy seems a strange one to have, in fact it’s the very last thing I imagined I’d ever feel again after saying goodbye to our Chris but its there along with freedom, freedom from the terrible loneliness, anger and yearning that comes with grief and its not just on Sundays sometimes it lasts for days. Thank you God.

I received an email this morning from someone saying that my blogs had helped them as regards their faith, I was so grateful for that email because becoming a Christian in the real sense of the word is sometimes testing, especially when your son who prayed all his life until Chris left us thinks you’ve lost the plot and become a fanatic and your hubby tells people ‘Sue’s a happy clappy now’. I’m solid in my faith and cheerfully agree that yes we are happy and we do clap so it’s a fair description really.

I can totally understand my son’s anger with God, who wouldn’t be angry that their brother or sister had to be born with cystic fibrosis and then go on to be given the chance of a new life for it only to be taken away eight and a half months later. But prolonged anger serves no purpose and only destroys the person it lives in eventually. Its a stage of grief which is well documented and ‘normal’ I’m just praying that it doesn’t stick around too long for him because an angry person is not a happy person.

Anyway back to C who mailed me, thank you for putting some sun in my day. God bless you.

Anniversaries

2008-04-08T12:43:00.000+01:00

I swore I wasn’t doing the ‘this time last year’ thing but despite my very best efforts anniversaries DO us we don’t DO them. and what do I do when I feel sad, yep I add to it, so its off to my blog to read last year…hang on I’ll just get his hat out so I can smell him while I read and why not put one of his favourite cd’s on while I’m at it ‘BINGO’ we’re now in a complete mess. Misery achieved look forward to next time……not!

I apologise if my flippant way of writing upsets anyone, the above is a necessary part of getting through stuff and doesn’t happen that often but it clears a lot of crap out of my head and the next day I get up feeling a stronger person for having indulged in some me & Chris time.

To keep life on an even keel I usually dip into my toolbox after a bad do and I did so today, I swam a mile and its given me a hefty dose of feel good chemicals.

Praise God for the strength He continues to give me.

Brilliant.

2008-03-30T15:40:00.000+01:00

Today's service was absolutley awsome, I came sooo close to walking out to the front to share my testimony with everyone but somehow my legs wouldnt go forward and my heart was hammering so much I thought it would burst out of my chest. I WILL do it one of these days because I'm truly blessed with God's peace and that's something that should be shared.

Smiley

2008-03-25T20:56:00.000Z

We had a special service at our church last night, Col (our pastor) called us all together having cancelled his original plans for his 50th birthday celebration and it was good. We ended the evening listening to a youth group on dvd, you'd have sworn it was a pop concert at your local arena and it got us all dancin so it did.

I've felt a bit like my old self today. Magic????......Nope! God.

Easter Sunday

2008-03-23T22:09:00.000Z

Last Easter I never got to give Chris his egg, it stayed in the cupboard and eventually got thrown out because non of us could bring ourselves to eat it.

Only someone who knows how it feels to grieve deeply will understand that no matter how many people you have around you on a tearful day the lonelyness is indescribable, the hole you carry feels massive and the yearning is physical. Thats how it felt this morning as I set out for church.

The service was brilliant, the songs made me feel like I was flying, the children who taught us adults to be kids again was priceless and I got that 'calm' that lifted the lonelyness and the yearning.

I'm so glad that I have God in my life, He's my strength.....always.

Mothers Day.

2008-03-01T22:27:00.000Z

Its group (((HUG))) time for all the parents out there who have lost a child, Mothers day is a hard one not only for us mums but also for our hubby's other children and family because they're watching us and hoping and praying that we get through it ok.

I've been blessed with that amazing 'calm' today, the one that kicks in just when I need it. The day started with church, I love my new church I can't wait to get there on a Sunday and I thoroughly enjoy every single moment of it. Colin our pastor is really passionate and although I struggle to remember everything he says I can always relate to the message. I'm so glad to be one of many who have God in their lives, thats what my 'calm' is its His peace that is helping me through possibly the worst thing that could happen to a parent, to lose a child. I first experienced it when Chris was taken into hospital last March and it wasn't like anything I've ever felt before. I didnt analyse it at the time but I knew that many people were praying for Chris and also for me Mike and John to be given strength and peace. My friend would text me with reference to a particular reading or psalm in the bible and I spent every evening reading them, it was a great comfort. I had my calm many times when Chris was ill and it enabled me to be with him every minute of every day, I had it the day of his funeral on my birthday on Christmas Day and I have it today. Thank you God.

Last years Mothers day card from Mike and Chris had to be dug out today, I couldn't resist and the words in it are wonderful, ok I know its what is printed but they assured me they pick the cards for the verse, it says.

I dont know if you realise how much I admire you, but I do. You've been such a wonderful inspiration to me ~ not just in the way you support and encourage me, but in the way you live every facet of your own life...

I've learned from you ~ what it means to be truly giving and caring, how important it is to be fair and understanding of others, how to believe in myself and be the best I can be...

Your example has shaped the way I think and feel and believe. You've been such a positive influence in my life Mum, and on Mothers Day I just thought you should know how much you mean to me....

My boy's inspire me to live my life and not waste one second of it.

Today Mike has given me the biggest card I have ever seen and a gorgeous teddy wearing a really silly hat (hats are my thing) and yesterday I got a surprise gift from our Mike's ex fiance who I love to bits, the card with it said 'To one very special lady'.

How blessed am I...............eh!!

Note to myself today is the 2nd but I started this blog yesterday.

James

2008-02-19T19:45:00.001Z

Its your 30th birthday today and we miss you loads.

Whats the bettin you two have found a bar up there....and a geeetar!

Wish you were here.

Get smiley mother.

2008-02-14T17:33:00.000Z

Note to myself.....remember the words in the title of this blog and don't allow yourself to stay down for too long, there's nothing wrong with blips they're normal and I'd be a robot without the up and downs but I'm now seeking out the positives because I was giving myself a headache with all the whingeing.

I've decided to ask the CF unit that Chris used to go to if they would display a piece of his artwork, they were always mithering him for something he'd drawn to put on the wall in the corridor. I'm going to presume they'll say yes and start looking for an apprpriate piece, they aren't all suitable for hanging on a wall in a ward though as he did a life drawing class (insert big wink).

Being back at work and very busy has been a tonic and I'm dancing tonight....Tra la la.

Whingey day

2008-02-12T20:55:00.000Z

On the whole today has been one of those intermittent whingy days that never give a warning and are horribly painful, I never realised how grief could manifest itself in such a physical way. I always thought it was a mental thing, you felt terribly sad, down in the dumps and snarled at everyone or couldnt be bothered talking, but what about this overwhelming need to scream, the pressure behind your ribs like they are about to burst, the inability to swallow and the massive hole that wont fill in.

Babe I can see lots of things that remind me of you daily and stay on an even keel but today wasn't one of them, whether its because I just needed a whingey day or whether its because we said goodbye to James just 3 years ago I dont know.

I signed into msn tonight and you know when the page loads and all your contacts show up you click the mouse to get your curser on the page and what did I inadvertently bring up 'you' it said you were ofline and I could leave a mesage so I did, I said I love you.

I miss you so much.

Seeing clearer

2008-02-10T20:22:00.000Z

My last post here was testing times, it was as I said a very testing time. Nothing has ever made me question my faith and I didnt beleive anything ever would so it shook me a bit that I was questioning God or rather the message that came from the sermon. I've spent a lot of time alone reading the bible and asking God to help me understand and stand by me while these doubts were pulling me down and He has as always been my rock.

Today's service was a confirmation to me that I am exactly where I want to be and want to stay and I am stronger now than I was before. Thanks Col.

I always wear Chris's earing for church because him and I had made plans to go there together but because I overslept this morning I forgot to put it in, I realised I didnt have it half way there but couldn't turn back or I'd have missed the service, I wasn't happy but continued on my way. When I was rifling through my bag in the car park to find my phone to switch it off something fell on the floor and when I picked it up I smiled, it was Chris's angel that he always kept with him in hospital.

Testing time

2008-02-03T09:34:00.000Z

My faith has been my rock since losing our Chris but last Sunday's sermon disturbed me a bit and its been a really hard week trying to get my head round the message. What I took from it was (my own interpretation) we don't have our prayers answered because 'we don't beleive' thats harsh. I beleive and I prayed along with many people for him to recover, he didnt but I trusted that that was not through lack of prayer or beleif. I've had a kind of guilty feeling since last week and thats something that I'm finding hard to handle.

I'm working on it.

A sign

2008-01-25T16:50:00.000Z

I haven't been on here for a while but what happened today is so amazing that I had to write it down.

John was studying some graphs on his pc at work when suddenly his address book appeared on his screen and there highlighted was our Chris's email address, he can't find any logical explanation for this, he didnt click on his address book it just appeared. He copied it and emailed it to me with the title 'Dont open this until I get home', he just showed it to me now and I have tears in my eyes. John is the most sceptical person I've ever met he doesn't beleive in anything that isnt black and white and in front of his eyes, in all the 34 years I've known him I've never seen him as lost for words as he is today.

A few nights ago I prayed and prayed for a sign and my prayer has been answered.
Praise God!!!

I did it

2007-09-20T23:23:00.000+01:00

Well I did the Hydro and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I'd expected it to be a well emotional day and it was but not for the reasons I'd thought. Last year I was meant to spend a weekend with my good buddy's from the cf forum but Chris was in Wythenshawe hospital because he'd had his transplant and I was living in a bungalow there so only appeared late on Saturday night (due to much delays). It was an awsome experience last year, this year was no exception as we saw Emily 8 months post transplant 'run' over the finish line, Chris followed Emily's progress before transplant and after, he asked me every day 'hows Em' the lazy git was too busy to actually log on himself but he always had a keen interest in where she was up to so it was brilliant for me to be there this year and say to Chris (in my head) she's doing brill.

The Hydro......again

2007-09-13T21:45:00.000+01:00

It seems like a century ago since the Hydro but its only a year, how life has changed in the last twelve months......

Last year I went to the airport from Whythenshawe hospital, Chris was still an inpatient after his transplant and he put the mizzy lip on that I even considered going at all

I'm going this year and next year and the year after because it continues to raise awareness for the need to find a cure for cf and get more people to sign up to the donor register....so there!!!

Bloody hell I miss you so much babe. xxx

2007-09-09T20:27:00.000+01:00

A year ago today Chris was discharged from hospital after his transplant, channel 4 tailed us home filming all the way. We had a laugh about that, instructions to move lanes came via Chris's mobile and I was more than happy to oblige......'mother move to the fast lane' and I was there, no problem. It was Eve's birthday, she'd been here last year waiting to welcome Chris home, so it was nice to go out for a meal with her tonight. Mike insisted on picking her up in his new car, opening the door for her and acting like a perfect gentleman the whole night, bless him.

These anniversarys are so hard, it sets you back a bit and you have some climbing to do for a few days.

2007-09-06T08:30:00.000+01:00

Lee and Kerys were having a get together in the local to say bye to everyone because they're moving to Doncaster, I hadnt seen all Chris's mates together since the funeral so I was looking forward to it. I wasn't sure whether I'd end up crying loads, but these were Chris's best mates and I was determined to go because you never know if the opportunity will come up again. I even managed to persuade John to come along for a couple of hours and our Mike was up for it which I was so pleased about. Momentarily I wished we'd all joined Chris and his mates on a Friday night more, he actually liked having his mum dad and brother with him and always made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. But's are not allowed though, they're destructive and unnecessary, we knew we loved each other and thats enough.

It was a fabulous night, I so enjoyed seeing everyone again and am very glad I went, John stayed a few hours but there was no way either Mike or Chris's mates were letting me go early.....brilliant. It was a strange feeling being back in the pub that was mine and John's local before we had the kids, I'd even worked there for a wee while. I used to get in from my office job at 6-30 and go to work at the pub at 7 until closing, blimey, how did I manage that. When I was finally allowed to go home it took ages to convince them I was perfectly capable of walking home alone but had to promise to text them when I got in.....Chris, you had such a fab lot of mates, I love them all, but so wish you were still here to share a Friday night at the local with.

Feelings

2007-08-29T23:28:00.001+01:00

It’s a difficult time for the closest of families when they lose someone very dear to them, how on earth families who aren’t close cope I don’t know, maybe its easier if you aren’t close. Maybe if you haven’t been in close contact for ages you might feel a bit disconnected and therefore hurt less, who knows. We’re close but now the initial shock of losing Chris is wearing off things are not as I thought they would be, we each have our own world which we are dealing with in our own ways, we all had a unique relationship with Chris so although we all grieve, we do it in our own way and that in itself can feel very isolating.

Things that we dealt with no problem in the past can become major setbacks, and a random outburst of anger or crying is less easy to deal with now because emotionally we’re floored and have no reserves like we had in the past.

As I’ve said before, its never going to be easy but its doable, just takes time and you can’t rush that……unfortunately.

Massive sigh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Plums

2007-08-24T19:01:00.000+01:00

I've talked to a number of parents who have lost their kids, they vary in age and in the circumstances they had to say goodbye to them, some of them have told me they've had signs. I've been waiting....and rather hoping I would get one.

Now then, I was driving to tesco's on Wednesday morning, I approached the traffic lights, which were on red and sat back as these one's take ages to change. Into my mind sprang a picture of Chris 'pick me nan a bag of plums' he said, I said 'I will', 'when' he said, 'tomorrow' I replied...'yeah yeah', by this time I was glancing round to see if the other motorists had noticed I was having a conversation with my rear view mirror. 'shut it you, I'm too busy today I'll pick them tomorrow' I continued. He smirked and the lights went to green. Was that a sign? Who knows, needless to say I was at my mums at 9am next morning with a massive bag of plums. Some would say its the subconcious kicking in because Chris always insisted his nan got the first delivery of plums from our tree each year.....it made me smile loads on the way to tesco's and back and has continued to amuse me ever since, so it doesn't really matter whether its a sign or not, I can now picture him and smile......thats progress.

A letter to my lovely son

2007-08-21T19:31:00.000+01:00

The need to talk to Chris has become overwhelming, so I thought the next best thing was to write a letter to him, apparently its not unusual, it says so on my list.

Hey babe,

The need to talk to you has become overwhelming so I thought it might be a good idea to write you a letter. It doesn’t seem like year ago that you got your call for transplant, does it, it was the 19th of August last year and we were down at the carphone warehouse me and you, because you wanted that white chocolate phone. It was 5 pm when they rang you from Wythenshawe, I remember it like yesterday, not a year ago, you were as cool, calm and collected as if the call had been one of your mates arranging a night out.

What a year, it’s a good job we can’t see into the future because I’d have opted out of this one that’s for sure, or would I? No, of course I wouldn’t, because during this last year I saw you at your happiest and I’ll always be glad of that. My mental picture of you now is a big healthy smiley face, planning the next wind up, I’d have to try hard to form a mental picture of you looking poorly, that’s good isn’t it.

I miss you so much Chris, I cry every single day but I smile every single day too, ‘sad’ doesn’t even come close to how me dad and Mike feel, there’s a huge gap in our lives and we yearn for it to be filled, but know that it wont ever be. Its so hard to carry on our lives without you, we go through the motions but it just isn’t the same, it never will be, but we’re strong and very close, just as you said in the message you left for us, so we’ll get there.

The plum tree has so much fruit on it this year…remember when you bit into that one and found half a grub, you were so disgusted you never touched another one from then on and your willow is doing mega well, I remembered what you said and have let the grass grow right up to the trunk, so we can lie under it on very hot days. Rodney is a cow and a half, just like you trained her to be, she terrorises Mitzy and Winnie and destroys everything in her path…you loved that kitten and insisted we adopted her, it was just before Christmas last year when she turned up at our door. She was knocking on it with her paw and you said we had to let her in because she had the courage to ‘dare’ to come to a strange house, ‘he who dares Rodders’ ‘he who dares’ and yep we let her in…glad we did now and also glad you took the notice out of the local shops the day after I put it in.

Mike’s moved into your room, he said it felt right and I think you’d agree, his room is a hovel and he now tells people ‘that was our Chris’s room’ he says you wouldn’t expect any less of him….cheeky git.

I finally got round to listening to those three songs you mailed me just before you went to Wales with the lads, flippin heck it was a mission listening to them, its uncanny how appropriate the words are now, its sad but also a bit special to have something so personal.

People say you’re in a better place, I hear the words, but think the very best place you could be is here with us where you belong, because we love you and miss you so much.Its been good to talk babe, I’ll write again soon.

Love mum. xxx