Reflections

It doesn't do to be on one's own in the house all day, you do too much housework. So, I've paused to reflect on 2008.

All things considered it was a good year for me and my life is enriched beyond anything I'd ever imagined. The very best thing that happened last year was my baptism, which was the confirmation that my life, from that day forward, would be given to God. Had I only known what life was like when you truly walk with God, I'd have been first in the queue.

In September I started college, in my quest to knock number 1 off my list of things to do before I die. The course has given me so many wonderfully positive things in my life, I've met lots of new people, I love people, the more I meet in this life, the better. I have a reason to get up, look presentable and get myself out of the house every day. I have to use my brain, so I get tired and sleep like a log. I've worked harder than ever before in academic terms and the results have left me amazed at what I could achieve. I'm not really surprised though, because I asked for help and when you ask and you truly believe, you receive.

Christmas day was nice, it was just myself, Mike and John for dinner, then we watched a film, it was peaceful and happy, because I'm blessed with the family I have. (quote stolen from Chris's message).

When I told John I'd got 89% overall in Biology, he said, "just imagine, you could have been a doctor" I pondered for a minute and then replied, "I wouldn't change a thing" except the obvious of course, to still have Chris here.

Whether or not I end up at university doesn't matter that much, because I'm starting 2009 full of optimism, regardless of which path I'm meant to be on.

Chris

It's 2009 down here and we miss you more than ever babe. Wish you were here.

Strength

I've not been on here for a while, well that's not true actually, because I have, but I ended up hitting the delete button soon after reading my post back. I wrote another letter to Chris, I made up a poem to him and I just plain poured my heart out about how painful Christmas is. But for some reason I just couldn't post it.

I've had one of those horrid waves this last week and it all started when I tried to do Christmas shopping over a week ago. John and I set out to find this market, but as soon as I got out of the car and saw the decorations and heard the Christmas songs, I wanted no part of it. What used to be a happy, magical time, is just so sad when you've had to say goodbye to your child.

It's strange, but one of the blogs I read tonight was about a person who had received a transplant, he was paying tribute to his donor and saying thank you for my gift of life. It touched me and reminded me that I did get to see Chris enjoy a 'normal' life, some parents don't get that chance.

The one and only thing that has kept me going through this last week is a Sunday, when I get to church. I can't explain it to anyone, but it gives me superhuman strength. The lump in my throat is getting smaller now and I will do Christmas this year, thanks to the strength that God gives me, the lovely friends and family I have around me and reading Oli's blog.

Love again.

What an awsome day I've had today. As I've already said on my other blog, the service this morning was amazingly uplifting and tonight has been so special. Our church hosted the get together of several churches on the Wirral and I can't begin to put into words how good it feels to be among like minded people who just 'love' each other.

Being a welcomer at the door I stuck my hand out to greet everyone and do you know how wonderful it is that there's no embarrassment and no fear of rejection, it's just niceness and I'm Blessed to be a part of it.

I'm proud to be a part of working together on the Wirral.

Its good to be back.

What a truly wonderful feeling it is to be back in God's presence, to be filled with the joy of The Holy Spirit has to be the most comforting, strengthening and loving place that exists.

As I've done before and I daresay I'll do again, I got lost in believing I could handle the hard things in life with just my own strength and before I knew it, the inner peace and joy had started to wane. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a miserable person, but over the last few weeks that special thing was missing, I haven't even blogged about church for ages. That's probably because I didn't go last week and wasn't really there in spirit the week before. How, I ask myself, can I let my trust in God take a back seat and battle on with only human strength, when I know for sure I only have to open up and ask.

I'll tell you why, because sometimes the horrid things in life stun me for a while and I flounder and forget to ask God to help me to deal with them. This last few weeks four young people I know of have lost their lives and it is hard to come to terms with. To just accept and not acknowledge the sadness would be inhuman and disrespectful to the families and friends of those young people. To be sad and still have as strong a faith is something that I am Blessed with. But I still need reminding that I can't do it alone. I needed to hear Col's words today, every bit as much as Williams message, just to remind me that no matter what happens, God will pick me up and restore my joy and peace.

It's not by chance that my favourite song was sung this morning because I hear those words every time I really need them. Praise God.

You are my strength
Strength like no other
Strength like no other
Reaches to me

You are my hope
Hope like no other
Hope like no other
Reaches to me

In the fullness of your grace
In the power of your name
You lift me up
You lift me up

Unfailing love
Higher than mountains
Deeper than oceans
Reaches to me

Your love O Lord
Reaches to the heavens
Your faithfulness
Reaches to the skies

I know that God has plans for me, He put college on my path and through Him I am doing better than I ever thought possible, because He is my strength.

Thoughts

I'm not going to go on about how full of joy my life is, as I usually do on here, because it just doesn't seem the right thing to do at the moment.

I've just been reading a thread on the cf forum which was posted by a young man with cf. He tells us how hard he's finding it to deal with the passing of a beautiful young girl (also with cf) whom he didn't really know that well. Young people with cf who are members of the forum read about others with cf losing their life regularly, it knocks them down, but time after time they pick themselves back up again and carry on. I have such great admiration for these wonderful and courageous people and they would absolutley hate me for saying that they're brave, because to them it's just life with cf. But I want to say it, because I feel it deeply right now.

The other reason for wanting to blog about this is because we have a similar situation going on here at the moment. Tragically two young lives have been lost in separate road traffic accidents, both of them were friends of my son Mike's girlfriend. One of them was one of her best friends and she's having a really hard time trying to come to terms with it. Mike has already lost his cousin, uncle and brother, which is harsh at such a young age, but these recent tragic deaths have really hit him hard, even though he hardly knew them.

Life is so difficult sometimes, I pray for everyone struggling to cope with the utter unfairness of it all and especially for the friends and families of Toria, Josh and Lucinda.

Lovely things

A very lovely and special friend of mine sent me this verse on Chris's birthday. It made me smile and that's a good 'thing'

I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine, He said.
For you to love the while he lives and mourn when he is dead,
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you, but should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories, as solace for your grief,
I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.

I've looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call to take him back again.

I fancied that I heard them say: "Dear Lord, Thy will be done"
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness; we'll love him while we may,
And for happiness we've known, forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for him much sooner than we'd planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.

Thank you Em.

My life continues to be Blessed.