Emotion....again.

Less than a week after doling advice out right left and centre I’ve come to the conclusion that I should shut up Why? because in the last two days I’ve ignored my inner voice and been a moody sod.

I do almost everything here, I always have and I’ve always been happy to do so but because John got arsey about taking the stick thing with my sisters party photo’s on it and putting it on her pc I saw my arse. At the time I wished I could be angry, but angry is alien to me I just get upset and cry a bit, then I got really down and developed cold sores and a couple of boils and……I wanted a divorce, all this over a little stick.

I ironed everything in sight on Monday while watching the God channel, there was this guy doing a talk on emotion and not giving into it because once you do you’ve lost it and it affects everyone’s reaction around you, I’m not talking about the grief emotion here, that’s perfectly normal, I mean anger, bitterness, jealousy things like that.

At work yesterday I had toothache, headache, cold sores a couple of boils horrendous tinitus and I was still a bit tearful from John’s aresyness and the icing on the cake was my boss was in such a bad mood, he kept slamming stuff and telling us to do what we already knew we would be doing once we finished the thing we were in the middle of doing. I thought about the emotion thing and decided to ‘hand it over to God’ as I was fast losing the will to live (just a saying).

I came home and through my letterbox was the loveliest letter and a book from a mum I’d met at the Bereaved Parents Network meeting, when I read the letter it put life back into perspective pronto, why on earth was I stressing over John saying ‘why can’t you do it’ it so wasn’t worth the energy I’d given it. Because I’m human that’s why, I should have handed it over to God sooner and that letter and book would have arrived earlier.
My God is awesome, I just need to remember that before I go off on one.

You live and learn.

I've been on a course today run by Care of the Family an organisation set up to support people in all aspects of family life. Our pastor gave me a leaflet weeks ago and said it may or may not be helpful to me, it was a day long course for parents who'd lost children and they would try to seat you with people who's child was near the same age as yours.

I like to think I'm doing brilliantley and was quite sure I'd go along there and give more than I received but it didnt really work out that way. The people I sat with today were doing equally as well as I was in that they were there, they were continuing to live their lives and they were looking forward with as much determination as me. I wasn't special and I certainly wasn't able to give without receiving because as we all told our story it was obvious that each one of us had something which inspired the others.

I also realised there were issues that I hadn't yet allowed myself to think too deeply about simply because I like to be super human, so I did get upset and what's good about that is the fact that I didnt even realise they were lurking around in my subconcious until today, so they're out now.

The drive there was the hardest thing I've had to do for a while and I was dreading it because it followed the exact route to the cf unit which was practically Chris's second home and mine come to think of it. I drove past bawling my eyes out, but again I've done it now so its another bridge crossed.

Everyone there today including the organisers and speakers have been where I am now and I'm very glad I went but tonight I'm emotionally exhausted so I'm going to do as I was told and be kind to myself.....that'll be a double voddy and a large wedge of cake with cream 'cos I'm worth it'

Praise God for my continued strength.

Frida

I've been wanting to do a quick blog about last Sunday's service all week but its been a strange week and time online has been rushed.

I didnt think I'd make it to church last week because I was exhausted after our full day doing the Great Strides and getting very lost on the way back, however I woke at 6am a bit full of beans so I went. I'm so glad I did because our speaker for the day was a guy called Steve and he was amazing.

He talked about his wife to begin with, she had survived the Rwandan genocide but had wanted to die after being buried alive with a number of her relatives. She was presumed dead when she was put into the mass grave but woke when they were putting the soil on top of them. She decided to keep quiet and spent 14 hours in there struggling to breathe, then eventually she managed to get free, whereupon she begged anyone and everyone to end her life because she couldn't bear the horror of what she'd experienced. Nobody would help her to end her life so she tried numerous times to end it herself but each time she survived.

She met Steve and they set up a church with 8 members and to date they now have around 1500 regular members. Steve was in the UK to share their story and we were lucky enough to have him visit us, it can't have been easy for him to help his wife through what must have been a massive struggle mentally but he was about the smiliest person I have met in a long time. I think we laughed more than we prayed last Sunday as he has a gift for spreading 'joy' and what an amazing testimony Frida his wife has.

I felt priviliged to be there to hear him speak and proud that he thought our church and our pastor reminded him of home.

Frida has written a book about her experience, its called 'Chosen to die destined to live' I imagine its going to be a hard read but also very inspirational.

I've been putting a massive big blog together over the last few weeks, in it was every single thing I could remember about you because I'm so scared I'll forget one tiny detail. Someone asked me the other day 'Do you still hear Chris' how scary is it that one day I might not, I might have to play a tape to recall your voice.

I think I'll just record something that makes me smile babe, the rest I can read anytime now its written down. These are the last texts you sent me.

Shut it u am comin home in a min. x

bring some cream an u can do me feet. x

And I'm so glad now that I did take the cream and we had the chance to spend those few hours of pure quality time together.

I love you. x