I’m going to The CTC tomorrow evening, I’ll be visiting a friend on The Amanda Unit, that’s the one Chris practically lived in pre-transplant and it’ll be the first time I’ve been back. I have a sketch of Chris’s that’s going to be put on the wall there and I said I’d take it one day when some of the staff I know are on duty so I can say hello. The more I thought about that day the more I reckoned it would be too overwhelming, so I said to J who Chris and I have known since paediatrics, when you next go in for iv’s I’ll come to see you, that will be a reason to go other than the focus being Chris, which is still so bloody painfull, especially when I’m doing something that just him and I did together for so long, its just so personal and always hits a very raw nerve.
So I’m going but I’ll not take his sketch because I’d like to take it up on or around his birthday and I would also like to see the staff again. By visiting J first I think it might make that day a bit easier. I know I could give the picture to somebody to take for me but I feel its something I want to do myself and I know by experience that I’ll be glad I did because these things are never as bad on the day as I think they will be.
I feel better already now that’s out of my head and into words, good idea this blog is.
After a blip last week I’m back on track and once again all the stronger for it. I think I had to experience that blip for two reasons, to bring something to the surface that I hadn’t properly dealt with and also to show me again that if I hand it over to God instead of trying to battle through it myself, He’ll get it sorted. In the past I’ve always termed this as ‘cabbaged head’ and it’s a pretty good description of a mind that forgets to draw on the reservoir that God provides freely when I have Him in my life. It’s so easy in that mindset to allow any negatives or doubts in my life to rear up and replace the joy and calm that I’ve been Blessed with for so long now.
Something Col talked about on Sunday was speaking out about your faith, I don’t mean preaching but expressing how you truly feel about having God in your life, this will nearly always bring on reactions that challenge us. I had that happen to me last week during the blip, I was told I’d changed, lost the plot and was acting like I was being brainwashed. It really did upset me because it came from someone who I love very much so it hurt a lot. I went to bed that night and prayed for myself, I hated the doubts and negatives that were creeping in and I wanted the joy and my calm back again. As soon as I woke the next morning I knew I felt different, I had that lovely familiar feeling of calm, like you just downed a bottle of chill pills. Its great to be back here again and I don’t ever ever want to live a life that crowds my head with doubts or negative thoughts, so I’ll keep drawing on the reservoir and my head can tow the line and obey my heart.
This looks like being an epic blog because there’s another thing.
Speaking in public, now then some people are very good at this, they have the knack of keeping their audience captivated because they are very good with words, they probably never have to say erm to cover up and can even make little jokes along the way. This will not be me because when I get baptised on the 10th of August and give my testimony there WILL be erm’s along with a few throat clearings I imagine, but my story is one of hope, joy and positivity that came from circumstances which could easily have been a downward spiral for me.
God uses the most unlikely routes you know.
