Steps.

I did it, I went and I stayed an hour and a half and yes it was very very hard. J was in the room that Chris always favoured because it looked onto the garden that was designed especially for the cf patients, one of his favourite nurses Brian had got a lot of the cf'ers involved in making that garden and what an acheivement it was, in fact I'm sure thats what inspired our Chris to want a secret garden here. He got on brilliantley with Brian and even did a caricature of him which the staff had framed and gave to him when he left to go to another job.

The feeling on arriving at the hospital was that hollow one thats so hard to describe, its like a wave or a shudder and reaches the deepest part of your mind and body almost producing an inner moan like an animal. It makes you want to run away and hide somewhere where the hurt can't get you but of course you don't because you'd be running for the rest of your days.

Once I got to the ward, down the corridor and into J's room I was ok-ish and we had a right old laugh as she threw me a pot of what looked like medication. The label said 'One to be taken 10,000 times per day' blimey thats a hefty dose hunni I said, what are they? Steps she replied, I have to take 10,000 steps a day and thats 7 miles so there's no chance.........noooooooo way! She's taking part in a keep fit thing apparently so I said I'd text her when I got to the car park and tell her her how many it took me, I did and it was only 440 she was gutted.

I'm glad I went as I thought I'd be because when I've thought about the unit today I see J in that room first and recount some of the giggles we had last night, before my mind zooms back to Chris, its all about moving on and not getting stuck in a time warp to me, others may see it differentley because we all do it in our own way and what works for one doesn't always work for the other.

Praise God for my continued strength.

Firsts

I’m going to The CTC tomorrow evening, I’ll be visiting a friend on The Amanda Unit, that’s the one Chris practically lived in pre-transplant and it’ll be the first time I’ve been back. I have a sketch of Chris’s that’s going to be put on the wall there and I said I’d take it one day when some of the staff I know are on duty so I can say hello. The more I thought about that day the more I reckoned it would be too overwhelming, so I said to J who Chris and I have known since paediatrics, when you next go in for iv’s I’ll come to see you, that will be a reason to go other than the focus being Chris, which is still so bloody painfull, especially when I’m doing something that just him and I did together for so long, its just so personal and always hits a very raw nerve.

So I’m going but I’ll not take his sketch because I’d like to take it up on or around his birthday and I would also like to see the staff again. By visiting J first I think it might make that day a bit easier. I know I could give the picture to somebody to take for me but I feel its something I want to do myself and I know by experience that I’ll be glad I did because these things are never as bad on the day as I think they will be.

I feel better already now that’s out of my head and into words, good idea this blog is.

After a blip last week I’m back on track and once again all the stronger for it. I think I had to experience that blip for two reasons, to bring something to the surface that I hadn’t properly dealt with and also to show me again that if I hand it over to God instead of trying to battle through it myself, He’ll get it sorted. In the past I’ve always termed this as ‘cabbaged head’ and it’s a pretty good description of a mind that forgets to draw on the reservoir that God provides freely when I have Him in my life. It’s so easy in that mindset to allow any negatives or doubts in my life to rear up and replace the joy and calm that I’ve been Blessed with for so long now.

Something Col talked about on Sunday was speaking out about your faith, I don’t mean preaching but expressing how you truly feel about having God in your life, this will nearly always bring on reactions that challenge us. I had that happen to me last week during the blip, I was told I’d changed, lost the plot and was acting like I was being brainwashed. It really did upset me because it came from someone who I love very much so it hurt a lot. I went to bed that night and prayed for myself, I hated the doubts and negatives that were creeping in and I wanted the joy and my calm back again. As soon as I woke the next morning I knew I felt different, I had that lovely familiar feeling of calm, like you just downed a bottle of chill pills. Its great to be back here again and I don’t ever ever want to live a life that crowds my head with doubts or negative thoughts, so I’ll keep drawing on the reservoir and my head can tow the line and obey my heart.

This looks like being an epic blog because there’s another thing.

Speaking in public, now then some people are very good at this, they have the knack of keeping their audience captivated because they are very good with words, they probably never have to say erm to cover up and can even make little jokes along the way. This will not be me because when I get baptised on the 10th of August and give my testimony there WILL be erm’s along with a few throat clearings I imagine, but my story is one of hope, joy and positivity that came from circumstances which could easily have been a downward spiral for me.

God uses the most unlikely routes you know.

Day one of LOVE.

I got out of bed this morning and said to myself its day 1 so what are you going to say out loud. The answer was YAAAAY!! its not raining, mission accomplished. Not one human being gave me cause for any agro but my pc did and I thought to myself, now then do I have to love my pc when it won't let me go online for the hundredth time. A confession must follow here, I mangled my glasses last time it booted me in the middle of an email, a very important very long email that was now lost in cyber space. I remembered Neils words, calmly shut it down and went out shopping for stuff for the barbie, high five to me for the non anger thing.

Now for something very close to my heart, if anyone reading this prays would you please say one for my lifelong friend who I love dearly, she's waiting on a diagnosis and its a very worrying time for her. Just say I pray that Sue's friend doesn't have anything seriously wrong with her.

Thank you loads.

Love.

I Loved today’s service.

Neil, today’s speaker is a member of our church, he’s a young guy and has a style different to Colin our pastor, he’s every bit as passionate but in a way of his own. I love it when Col is speaking but I also thoroughly enjoy the contrast and style of others from time to time.

Today the service was about love and how to learn to respond to people who hurt, anger, annoy us etc…Its very hard to turn to somebody who has just insulted or wronged you and tell them ‘I’ll pray for your release from anger’ or ‘its okay I forgive you’ because when you feel hurt and upset, its so much easier to hit right back, it gives a quick release from the sting of the hurt they inflicted on you. I don’t know about anyone else but way back when I did rise to such situations it always made me feel worse doing the tit-for-tat thing.

I feel Blessed that anger doesn’t have a hold on me and I find loving and forgiving quite easy, but that’s something I’ll be testing out over the next month because Neil challenged us all to consciously get up every morning for a month and start the day on a happy note regardless of what is going on. Also when insulted, hurt or angered we should stop and think and try to give the opposite response of what comes natural, which is to slap the said insulter. I’m not too sure what I’ll say exactly when and if somebody hurts me as I honestly can’t remember the last time anyone was nasty to me so I’m well out of practise.

Angry person – Hey you, I think you’re a liar and a waste of space.
Me – Would you like tea or coffee.(with your arsenic)

Seriously though Love Thy Neighbour is the second most important thing to God, the first being to love God himself so I'm going to try it and see starting tomorrow.

1 Corinthians 13

Reality sucks sometimes.

Sometimes it suddenly hits you that this is real, you really have had to say goodbye to one of your children and it shocks you all over again. One of my coping mechanisms is to keep busy and not think too deeply about Chris not physically being here, but we're planning a get together with family and friends soon and he won't be there. Reality hurts a lot.

I pray that God continues to give me the strength to see the 'good' in life as He has done so far. Its not always easy to maintain the close relationship I have with God, but everything rights itself once its back on track.

I miss you so much my lovely son.

Busy doing things.

Lots of things in the pipeline at the moment and I'm doing ok. Praise God.

We've chosen a sketch of Chris's to be put on the wall at the cf unit and I finally got it to Marion this morning to be framed - sorted.

I'm going to be baptised at my new church sometime in the next month or so, its a bit of a mission to get a firm date at the moment because there are certain important (to me) people I want to be there and this is the holiday season. I'll be knocking one of the things off my 1-10 list on that day too as I'll be talking in public for the very first time in my life and I am very nervous, but I've written a testimonial because I beleive my story is meant to be shared.

Our church (King's Wirral) is taking part in a big event in Birkenhead Park which I am really looking forward to because several Wirral churches will be getting together and among other things we'll be singing.......YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll be blogging about that day after the event.

Thats all for now, today is a gardening day, life is good.