First time.

Well I did venture out and about and I fully expected to have a huge crowd around me, listening intently to me sharing God's word. However it wasn't quite like that, I wasn't very good at it actually and all I managed to do for the whole hour, was, to accept a Christian leaflet from a nice man who wasn't with our group. I know what it was, it was fear of rejection, I've always struggled with that one.

I'm not daunted though and I will try again, because I want to.

Giving thanks.

It seems to me the closer you get to God, the more you're tested and things will also most definitely pop up to prevent you getting to church where the comforting arms of the presence of God restores the peace and balance in your life. Rising to the challenge and standing firm is not the first thing that springs to mind in such circumstances and I can see why it would be very easy to question God, 'Lord I pray, I believe, I try to live as you would want me to live, so why does it sometimes feel like I'm trying to jump one hurdle after another'?

I think it's all about how we view the hurdles, we can look upon them as a victim and feel downtrodden, or badly done by compared to others, or we might think that God just isn't listening to us. The one thing we don't consider is to give thanks, why should we? we're suffering here.

Turn it around, does the devil think that I'm that much of a threat that he has to continually try to poison my relationship with God? That says something loud and clear to me, continue to give thanks to God, whether it be for the good weather, the good food, the good roof over our heads, or.........that we are so close to God and important enough for the devil to take time out to target us and make us feel like a victim.

I'm on a course at church which involves getting out there and sharing God's word, it's something I feel I really want to do, but it's scary because way back I would probably have been one of the people I'm bound to come across in the street, who thinks I'm a lunatic, but I feel passionate about saving as many people as I possibly can and a bit of rejection along the way is a small price to pay.

I don't often ask for God to speak directly to me but a couple of days ago I did. The next morning I opened my bible to continue where I'd left off four days ago and I read;

' Because you have seen me, you have believed, Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed'
John 20 v 29.

Sharing

Now that college is finished I've been spending some quality time with my sister, it's been ages and I've missed our time together terribly. She asked me a question today 'Is church the reason why you are so positive and happy'? I thought for a moment because in the past I probably would have answered 'yes' and left it there. However, because I now have a bit more confidence in sharing my faith I decided to tell her why I really feel happy and positive. I said it was because I have God in my life and because I truly believe and try to live Gods word my life is Blessed in many ways.

Sometimes family are the hardest to be open with, but today I found it so easy.

Praise God

Challenging

How do we share God's word?

As a fairly new born again Christian I tend to avoid out and out evangelism for several reasons, one, because I don't like having hell, fire and damnation thrown at me so I don't throw it at anyone else and two, because I'm embarrassed that people will think I've lost the plot if I walk up to a stranger and start talking about God. However the course I'm doing at church at the moment is making me look at why and how we talk to people about heaven and hell and where we think we'll end up. If I'm a Christian I obviously believe there is a God and I also believe there is a devil....

So! if we know there are two options why do we hesitate, why don't we just get out there and try to save as many people as we can so they don't end up in hell? I don't know the answer to that at the moment but that's why I'm doing this course, I'm learning and I'm being challenged to move out of my 'comfort zone'.

On eagles wings.

For some reason I just couldn't get myself on here yesterday, it was two years ago yesterday that we had to say goodbye (for now) to Chris and a voice in my head kept telling me I should be on here marking the day, but I sat down a few times and the words just wouldn't come to me. I'm quite glad now because the post could have been a bit depressing or negative and they're not words I ever associate with thoughts of Chris. Positive and happy are definitely what springs to mind whenever I think of him and because I know he's keeping an eye on me, positive and happy I will be.

It doesn't take a genius to hear the change in my mood and it's because I've experienced something special.....again. I missed church last week, we had the run up to the dreaded day and somewhere along the way I lost my joy and inner peace and couldn't focus on the positives, it wasn't nice. Today however is a bit different, no, it's a lot different. From the moment I left for church this morning I've been so close to Chris, on the journey there I had vivid pictures in my mind of us laughing hysterically, during the worship songs whenever I closed my eyes his face was there smiling and by the end of the service I felt uplifted beyond belief.

Col talked about us sharing God's Word and showing others just how different life is when you have a relationship with Him, I know I've said it many times before but I'll say it again, I wish I could bottle it and give everyone a dose of what I have, because it's so special and it's free to anyone who asks for it.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
Wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord,
Our God, you reign forever,
Our hope, our strong deliverer,
You are the everlasting God,
You do not faint, you don't grow weary,
You're the defender of the weak,
You comfort those in need,
You lift us up on wings, like eagles.

Inspiring

I pinched this off Chris's blog because I liked it a lot.

I refuse to be discouraged, To be sad, or to cry;
I refuse to be downhearted, and here’s the reason why:
I have a God who’s mighty, Who’s sovereign and supreme;
I have a God who loves me, and I am on His team.

He is all-wise and powerful. Jesus is His name;
Though everything is changeable, My God remains the same.
My God knows all that’s happening; Beginning to the end;
His presence is my comfort; He is my dearest Friend.

When sickness comes to weaken me, To bring my head down low,
I call upon my mighty God; Into His arms I go.
When circumstances threaten to rob me of my peace;
He draws me close unto His breast, Where all my strivings cease.

When my heart melts within me, and weakness takes control;
He gathers me into His arms, He soothes my heart and soul.
The great “I AM” is with me. My life is in His hand.
The “Son of the Lord” is my hope. It’s in His strength I stand.

I refuse to be defeated. My eyes are on my God;
He has promised to be with me, As through this life I trod.
I’m looking past all my circumstances, To Heaven’s throne above;
My prayers have reached the heart of God I’m resting in His love.

I give God thanks in everything. My eyes are on His face;
The battle’s His, the victory mine; He’ll help me win the race.

Stronger

I know I've said it many times, that God is my strength, but until recently I had just related that strength to the fact that I got through losing my lovely son and can still look at life with a positive mind. But it is so much more than that. I have totally changed, I'm not the person I was before I asked God to come into my life.

Frida's visit was the first thing that lead me to look at where I am now. I remember thinking how is it possible for anyone to forgive on the scale that she had, and how can she smile and be so positive. Second, I recently had what people who have lost someone very close to them term 'a wave', this is when grief hits you all over again. Afterwards I realised that although I'd been terribly sad during that wave, I still remained positive about everything else in my life. Terribly sad and positive are two emotions that could never have happened at the same time in my old life. Oh no! if I was terribly sad, then I would veer towards negative and depressed would usually make an appearance.

Thirdly, on Sunday Col (our pastor) talked about achieving greater things through faith, he said we're surrounded by a great crowd of witnesses, we should choose to find the gifts in each other and encourage them to get to the finishing line. We all have a different race mapped out for us and we all have a different finishing line, so there's no competition and we can all help each other to get there. Don't look back, look forward and with perseverance head for the the finishing line throwing off anything that entangles us. A few years ago I would have heard those words and my reaction would have been 'easier said than done Col'. but college this year has shown me time after time that to live by this brings out the very best in the human spirit.

I have a fourth so sit back down.

An injury to my shoulder and neck prompted me to get in touch with someone I haven't seen for two years, she's a holistic therapist and she's going to fix me, but the bonus is, she will also give me an insight into treating people from a holistic point of view and that will be invaluable for when I become a nurse.

Because I'm a student I now have to evaluate.

Because I have God in my life I have equilibrium, I trust totally in where I am and where I'm going and if things change tomorrow I know I'll be ok.