Tuesday, 21 August 2007

A letter to my lovely son

The need to talk to Chris has become overwhelming, so I thought the next best thing was to write a letter to him, apparently its not unusual, it says so on my list.

Hey babe,

The need to talk to you has become overwhelming so I thought it might be a good idea to write you a letter. It doesn’t seem like year ago that you got your call for transplant, does it, it was the 19th of August last year and we were down at the carphone warehouse me and you, because you wanted that white chocolate phone. It was 5 pm when they rang you from Wythenshawe, I remember it like yesterday, not a year ago, you were as cool, calm and collected as if the call had been one of your mates arranging a night out.

What a year, it’s a good job we can’t see into the future because I’d have opted out of this one that’s for sure, or would I? No, of course I wouldn’t, because during this last year I saw you at your happiest and I’ll always be glad of that. My mental picture of you now is a big healthy smiley face, planning the next wind up, I’d have to try hard to form a mental picture of you looking poorly, that’s good isn’t it.

I miss you so much Chris, I cry every single day but I smile every single day too, ‘sad’ doesn’t even come close to how me dad and Mike feel, there’s a huge gap in our lives and we yearn for it to be filled, but know that it wont ever be. Its so hard to carry on our lives without you, we go through the motions but it just isn’t the same, it never will be, but we’re strong and very close, just as you said in the message you left for us, so we’ll get there.

The plum tree has so much fruit on it this year…remember when you bit into that one and found half a grub, you were so disgusted you never touched another one from then on and your willow is doing mega well, I remembered what you said and have let the grass grow right up to the trunk, so we can lie under it on very hot days. Rodney is a cow and a half, just like you trained her to be, she terrorises Mitzy and Winnie and destroys everything in her path…you loved that kitten and insisted we adopted her, it was just before Christmas last year when she turned up at our door. She was knocking on it with her paw and you said we had to let her in because she had the courage to ‘dare’ to come to a strange house, ‘he who dares Rodders’ ‘he who dares’ and yep we let her in…glad we did now and also glad you took the notice out of the local shops the day after I put it in.

Mike’s moved into your room, he said it felt right and I think you’d agree, his room is a hovel and he now tells people ‘that was our Chris’s room’ he says you wouldn’t expect any less of him….cheeky git.

I finally got round to listening to those three songs you mailed me just before you went to Wales with the lads, flippin heck it was a mission listening to them, its uncanny how appropriate the words are now, its sad but also a bit special to have something so personal.

People say you’re in a better place, I hear the words, but think the very best place you could be is here with us where you belong, because we love you and miss you so much.Its been good to talk babe, I’ll write again soon.

Love mum. xxx


  1. Hi Sue,
    I fell upon your site by accident looking for a present for my son Oliver who is 19. I was very touched by your story and cannot comprehend what you and your family have gone through although my family has gone through tough times with Oli as he has Cystic Fibrosis and we cherish each day he has. He is very fit and healthy compared to others who suffer from CF, so we make the most of every day we have together and he himself lives for the day. He is a shining example of how to live life to the full with the full knowledge of what his illness means.
    I just wanted to say that I send my best to you and your family and know that Chris will never leave your hearts. I recognise in your letter to him the similar small things that will always be there as a reminder, the things that make you laugh and then cry.

    My very best to you Sue,
    Kindest regards,

  2. Hi Simon,
    Thank you very much for taking the time to write such a lovely message to me. I keep two blogs because I think it must be very hard for people with cf and also parents of cf children to read stories like Chris's. The quiet time one has been a great therapy for me, as in, once out of head and into words its easier to deal with. Doing it this way means people can either choose to read the emotional one or not and I think it was very brave of you to read it.

    I'm doing really well Simon, better than I ever imagined I would and do you know what my one of my biggest inspirations is, the way Chris lived his life. His attitude, like so many other people with cf was to get out there and stuff as much as you possibly can in, and keep the moaning to a minimum. He used to tell me I was 'mad' and I wasn't ever to change, so I wont.

    I hope you managed to find a suitable pressy for Oli and I wish you all the very best too. Its great to hear he's doing well and it sounds like you have a good relationship with him, thats priceless.

    Take care and thank you again for taking the time to talk to me.

    Lots of love

  3. Hi Sue,Its Simon again and I thank you very much for your lovely response to my message> I hope you and your family are fine and have had a good summer. Oli has just gone away to Cyprus with his Mum for a holiday and is in good health now. We had a couple of months where he has had some illness but he has got through it quite well and is now enjoying the sun and sea and possibly a couple of drinks as well.
    I hope all is well with your family and you have managed to find some sun this summer in between the bouts of cloud and rain.
    My very best to you all and thanks once again for the inspiratio that your site gives me. I visit it quite often and am so humbled by your bravery, drive and determination to honour Chris's memory and al that that stands for.
    as ever my very best to you and all of your family.
    kind regards,

  4. Hello there Simon,
    Good to hear from you again. Sorry for the delay in replying, its because this blog doesn't let me know when there's a comment (note to myself to sort that out).

    I'm so glad to hear that Oli got through the rough patch and is now enjoying the sun, sea & sand, oh and of course a few pints. I hope he feels re-charged and relaxed when he gets back.

    We did manage to see a wee bit of sun this summer and we had the biggest barbecue, everyone dressed in cowboy/cowgirl gear and it really was a brilliant day.

    Life has gone hectic here because I've gone back to college, I'm doing an access course for a year, then hopefully 3 years at University, after which I'll be a nurse. Its very very hard work and I have had a crisis or two but I'm determined to stick it out (that will be a first for me). Chris used to tell me I'd make a great nurse, so its quite nice to be following this path in my life.

    Take care Simon and do keep in touch now and again.

    Love to you and your gang.