Its a week since I did that very emotional post and I would never have beleived I'd be feeling so different just one week later. After all we're even nearer the day now than we were last week, I should be feeling worse, but I'm not.

I've postponed blogging about last Sunday's service, why? I dont know. Maybe so I could put it into words that didnt sound like someone who'd lost the plot or maybe because I just wanted to keep it all to myself and enjoy it....kind of revel in it before I shared it with anyone. I've never experienced anything like it before in my life, call it a feeling/atmosphere/intimacy or as Col said Divine Intervention but it was amazing. During this Chris spoke to me, he didnt appear in front of me of course that would just be silly, but his face was as clear as a bell in my mind, he looked slightly different just a tad older and slightly rounder in his face. He said 'I'm happy you know mum' and I said 'I know you are' just like that, I didnt feel upset, surprised or anywhere near hysterical I just felt very calm almost as though it was the most natural thing in the world.

I still feel very peaceful and so much stronger than last week when I did that last post. Our church is brilliant, our God is awsome, and I am truly blessed.

We just need a womens breakfast now (wink)

HOW HARD IS THIS!!

I love the sun and I love the garden but I've bawled my eyes out all day today, the smell of the cut grass, your willow tree, the patio you helped to build with your mates, the decking you supervised being built, the pond you and the lads made, Rodney, the cabin and the bloody sun......Arghhhhh!!

The day we got your willow.

Me and you after a hard days graft

You and the lads doing the pond

You supervising the patio building

You and Rodney

Your willow last summer (wrong date on camera)

We miss you so much.

Healing

It’s Sunday again and I feel like getting something out of my head and into words, what’s brought it on this week?

Today’s service was mainly around healing and when ears were mentioned I was out at the front pronto because my right ear hasn’t been working for about 6 weeks now. I know it will get better I just don’t know the time and date just yet. However since I got home I’ve been thinking about God’s healing and I don’t just think it applies to fixing an ear, a back problem or anything else physical.

For years now I’ve had one or two drinks before bed (sometimes a tad more than that) and after saying goodbye to Chris last year I definitely wouldn’t consider going to bed totally sober because then I’d have to THINK and thinking is very very painful. Lately though I started to dislike the person who couldn’t quite remember going up to bed or getting up the next morning wondering what exactly I’d said when chatting late at night in cyberland. Feeling not quite top notch enough to go to the gym or clean the house started to get on my nerves where before it hadn’t bothered me one bit. So I decided to pray for release from alcohol, I asked God to help me to stop having a few drinks at night and to help me cope with the thinking that comes to a clear mind at night just before you go to sleep.

After about a week of praying on this I got up one morning a few weeks ago and knew that I wasn’t going to have a drink that night. Three weeks on I can’t believe how easy it is and after 20 odd years of having a few most nights I now don’t need it any more and I CAN think and I DO sleep.

Now that is healing.

SUNday

Its Sunday again and as with every Sunday nowadays I’m feeling full of amazing peace, joy and freedom. I wish I could bottle it and give everyone I know a big dose of what I have I really do. Joy seems a strange one to have, in fact it’s the very last thing I imagined I’d ever feel again after saying goodbye to our Chris but its there along with freedom, freedom from the terrible loneliness, anger and yearning that comes with grief and its not just on Sundays sometimes it lasts for days. Thank you God.

I received an email this morning from someone saying that my blogs had helped them as regards their faith, I was so grateful for that email because becoming a Christian in the real sense of the word is sometimes testing, especially when your son who prayed all his life until Chris left us thinks you’ve lost the plot and become a fanatic and your hubby tells people ‘Sue’s a happy clappy now’. I’m solid in my faith and cheerfully agree that yes we are happy and we do clap so it’s a fair description really.

I can totally understand my son’s anger with God, who wouldn’t be angry that their brother or sister had to be born with cystic fibrosis and then go on to be given the chance of a new life for it only to be taken away eight and a half months later. But prolonged anger serves no purpose and only destroys the person it lives in eventually. Its a stage of grief which is well documented and ‘normal’ I’m just praying that it doesn’t stick around too long for him because an angry person is not a happy person.

Anyway back to C who mailed me, thank you for putting some sun in my day. God bless you.

Anniversaries

I swore I wasn’t doing the ‘this time last year’ thing but despite my very best efforts anniversaries DO us we don’t DO them. and what do I do when I feel sad, yep I add to it, so its off to my blog to read last year…hang on I’ll just get his hat out so I can smell him while I read and why not put one of his favourite cd’s on while I’m at it ‘BINGO’ we’re now in a complete mess. Misery achieved look forward to next time……not!

I apologise if my flippant way of writing upsets anyone, the above is a necessary part of getting through stuff and doesn’t happen that often but it clears a lot of crap out of my head and the next day I get up feeling a stronger person for having indulged in some me & Chris time.

To keep life on an even keel I usually dip into my toolbox after a bad do and I did so today, I swam a mile and its given me a hefty dose of feel good chemicals.

Praise God for the strength He continues to give me.