I’d like to start by saying I’ve always believed in God and I’ve always prayed, it sort of went like this:
The Our Father
The Hail Mary
The Confession
The Eternal rest
Followed by prayers for various family and friends, it was always in the same order and if my mind wandered or I momentarily dozed off I’d have to start at the beginning again, why? Because prayer was done parrot fashion and I talked at God rather than to Him.
I had to say goodbye to my youngest son in May of last year, he was 24 years old and had probably faced more pain emotionally and physically than most of us here today will ever have to deal with, but he left a message in his diary to be read out at his funeral. It said this:
I would like to start by saying I have had the best of life I could ask for, even having cystic fibrosis my life was made so easy and laid back. I count myself lucky to be Blessed with the family I have. I couldn’t ask for anything better simply because better doesn’t exist. My family is the best. As for cystic fibrosis, yes I had it but my mum, dad and Mike made it so easy to live with, I am so grateful. As for my friends, I couldn’t ask for better, I thank them all.
God Bless you all, every one of you.
Chris had a double lung transplant due to cystic fibrosis, this was to be his new life, but unfortunately he developed complications just eight and a half months later. While he was ill I lived in a bungalow at the hospital, it was a desperate time for me, his dad and his brother Mike. Every day brought us more bad news and it was the longest 6 weeks of our lives, but during this time I received regular texts from many many people, one of who was my lifelong friend Wendy. She would send messages suggesting I read God’s word, sometimes it would be a psalm, sometimes a reading and I spent most nights of those 6 weeks building a proper relationship with God.
I didn’t see it at the time but I used to get what I called ‘my calm’ it was an amazing feeling, not like anything I’d ever experienced before. It clicked in many times while Chris was ill and helped me to get through every parents worst nightmare. I knew before the doctors did that we would have to say goodbye to Chris and when they finally agreed with me and stopped aggressive treatment he smiled, although unconscious, he smiled.
My ‘calm’ as I called it has clicked in many times in the last year just when I most needed it, Mothers Day, my birthday, Chris’s birthday, Christmas and the anniversary of saying goodbye to him, I don’t call it my calm any more though because I now know its God’s peace and God’s strength.
Chris and I had made plans to come to Kings together, he called it Wendy’s church because whenever we met her in Asda she’s say ‘when are you coming to my church’ so he thought it belonged to her. Sadly he never made it, but that’s what brought me here and its no coincidence because God had his hand on me and on Chris way before we knew anything about it.
My prayers have changed slightly these days, it sort of goes like this now ‘Praise you my God for where I am now and where I want to stay always’ I talk to God now as I would chat to a friend and it doesn’t matter if I momentarily wander or doze because He knows what is truly in my heart.
We’ll never know the reason why we had to say goodbye to Chris, we prayed, Kings prayer group prayed and many more people prayed. But maybe, just maybe Chris also prayed, but a different prayer. On one occasion while he was conscious he said to me ‘this isn’t going to work mum’ and I knew he’d had enough, I trust that God did too.
I won’t pretend that life is easy for me John and Mike without our Chris because it isn’t, I still cry most days but I certainly never imagined I’d be able to laugh, feel joy, peace or calm again, I do though, I feel all of those things daily because whenever I’m struggling I’ve learned to hand it over to God and He never ever fails me.
Not only have I gained strength in my walk with God but I’ve also been able to help others who have lost a child and are finding it hard to cope, how Blessed am I to be able to do that.
In September I’m starting college and in 4 years time at 56 years old I’ll be a qualified nurse, I say that in full confidence because if that is my gift then God will make it happen, if it isn’t then I know I’ll be shown the path I should follow, that’s the great thing about having God in my life, its not complex or complicated, its simple, so why on earth did I struggle for so long when all I had to do was ask, I’ll tell you why, because I didn’t really know Him, but I do now and if I could I would prescribe everyone I know a huge dose of what I have, because its free and unlike some medication it works every time.
I had a crazy idea that I’d like to sing on my baptism day, but I was born tone deaf and I’m also officially stone deaf in my right ear so will spare you all that pleasure but the song that touched me the very moment I heard it made such an impression on me that I’d like to speak the words to you.
Father I place into your hands the things I cannot do.
Father I place into your hands the things that I’ve been through.
Father I place into your hands the way that I should go.
For I know I always can trust you.
Father I place into your hands my friends and family.
Father I place into your hands the things that trouble me.
Father I place into your hands the person I would be.
For I know I always can trust you.
Father we love to see your face, we love to hear YOUR VOICE.
Father we love to sing your praise and in your name rejoice.
Father we love to walk with you and in your presence rest.
For we know we always can trust you.
Father I want to be with you and do the things you do.
Father I want to speak the words that you are speaking too.
Father I want to love the one’s that you will draw to you.
For I know, that I am one with you.
For I know, that I am one with you.
Col has mentioned many times that God often chooses unusual circumstances or unlikely people to glorify his name, I think my story backs that up because who would ever think that losing a son would be the thing that brought me to Him, but it did and do you know why? Because He wanted me to be saved, that’s why. Its not about me, its about what God has done and will continue to do for me, how exciting is that.
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I miss you so much Chris, you continue to inspire me and many others in the way you lived your life and always put others before yourself. I know you are still with me and always will be until the day we meet again. I love you babe.
Love mum. x
