Easter Sunday

Last Easter I never got to give Chris his egg, it stayed in the cupboard and eventually got thrown out because non of us could bring ourselves to eat it.

Only someone who knows how it feels to grieve deeply will understand that no matter how many people you have around you on a tearful day the lonelyness is indescribable, the hole you carry feels massive and the yearning is physical. Thats how it felt this morning as I set out for church.

The service was brilliant, the songs made me feel like I was flying, the children who taught us adults to be kids again was priceless and I got that 'calm' that lifted the lonelyness and the yearning.

I'm so glad that I have God in my life, He's my strength.....always.

Mothers Day.

Its group (((HUG))) time for all the parents out there who have lost a child, Mothers day is a hard one not only for us mums but also for our hubby's other children and family because they're watching us and hoping and praying that we get through it ok.

I've been blessed with that amazing 'calm' today, the one that kicks in just when I need it. The day started with church, I love my new church I can't wait to get there on a Sunday and I thoroughly enjoy every single moment of it. Colin our pastor is really passionate and although I struggle to remember everything he says I can always relate to the message. I'm so glad to be one of many who have God in their lives, thats what my 'calm' is its His peace that is helping me through possibly the worst thing that could happen to a parent, to lose a child. I first experienced it when Chris was taken into hospital last March and it wasn't like anything I've ever felt before. I didnt analyse it at the time but I knew that many people were praying for Chris and also for me Mike and John to be given strength and peace. My friend would text me with reference to a particular reading or psalm in the bible and I spent every evening reading them, it was a great comfort. I had my calm many times when Chris was ill and it enabled me to be with him every minute of every day, I had it the day of his funeral on my birthday on Christmas Day and I have it today. Thank you God.

Last years Mothers day card from Mike and Chris had to be dug out today, I couldn't resist and the words in it are wonderful, ok I know its what is printed but they assured me they pick the cards for the verse, it says.

I dont know if you realise how much I admire you, but I do. You've been such a wonderful inspiration to me ~ not just in the way you support and encourage me, but in the way you live every facet of your own life...

I've learned from you ~ what it means to be truly giving and caring, how important it is to be fair and understanding of others, how to believe in myself and be the best I can be...

Your example has shaped the way I think and feel and believe. You've been such a positive influence in my life Mum, and on Mothers Day I just thought you should know how much you mean to me....

My boy's inspire me to live my life and not waste one second of it.

Today Mike has given me the biggest card I have ever seen and a gorgeous teddy wearing a really silly hat (hats are my thing) and yesterday I got a surprise gift from our Mike's ex fiance who I love to bits, the card with it said 'To one very special lady'.

How blessed am I...............eh!!

Note to myself today is the 2nd but I started this blog yesterday.

James

Its your 30th birthday today and we miss you loads.

Whats the bettin you two have found a bar up there....and a geeetar!

Wish you were here.

Get smiley mother.

Note to myself.....remember the words in the title of this blog and don't allow yourself to stay down for too long, there's nothing wrong with blips they're normal and I'd be a robot without the up and downs but I'm now seeking out the positives because I was giving myself a headache with all the whingeing.

I've decided to ask the CF unit that Chris used to go to if they would display a piece of his artwork, they were always mithering him for something he'd drawn to put on the wall in the corridor. I'm going to presume they'll say yes and start looking for an apprpriate piece, they aren't all suitable for hanging on a wall in a ward though as he did a life drawing class (insert big wink).

Being back at work and very busy has been a tonic and I'm dancing tonight....Tra la la.

Whingey day

On the whole today has been one of those intermittent whingy days that never give a warning and are horribly painful, I never realised how grief could manifest itself in such a physical way. I always thought it was a mental thing, you felt terribly sad, down in the dumps and snarled at everyone or couldnt be bothered talking, but what about this overwhelming need to scream, the pressure behind your ribs like they are about to burst, the inability to swallow and the massive hole that wont fill in.

Babe I can see lots of things that remind me of you daily and stay on an even keel but today wasn't one of them, whether its because I just needed a whingey day or whether its because we said goodbye to James just 3 years ago I dont know.

I signed into msn tonight and you know when the page loads and all your contacts show up you click the mouse to get your curser on the page and what did I inadvertently bring up 'you' it said you were ofline and I could leave a mesage so I did, I said I love you.

I miss you so much.

Seeing clearer

My last post here was testing times, it was as I said a very testing time. Nothing has ever made me question my faith and I didnt beleive anything ever would so it shook me a bit that I was questioning God or rather the message that came from the sermon. I've spent a lot of time alone reading the bible and asking God to help me understand and stand by me while these doubts were pulling me down and He has as always been my rock.

Today's service was a confirmation to me that I am exactly where I want to be and want to stay and I am stronger now than I was before. Thanks Col.

I always wear Chris's earing for church because him and I had made plans to go there together but because I overslept this morning I forgot to put it in, I realised I didnt have it half way there but couldn't turn back or I'd have missed the service, I wasn't happy but continued on my way. When I was rifling through my bag in the car park to find my phone to switch it off something fell on the floor and when I picked it up I smiled, it was Chris's angel that he always kept with him in hospital.

Testing time

My faith has been my rock since losing our Chris but last Sunday's sermon disturbed me a bit and its been a really hard week trying to get my head round the message. What I took from it was (my own interpretation) we don't have our prayers answered because 'we don't beleive' thats harsh. I beleive and I prayed along with many people for him to recover, he didnt but I trusted that that was not through lack of prayer or beleif. I've had a kind of guilty feeling since last week and thats something that I'm finding hard to handle.

I'm working on it.