Emotion....again.

Less than a week after doling advice out right left and centre I’ve come to the conclusion that I should shut up Why? because in the last two days I’ve ignored my inner voice and been a moody sod.

I do almost everything here, I always have and I’ve always been happy to do so but because John got arsey about taking the stick thing with my sisters party photo’s on it and putting it on her pc I saw my arse. At the time I wished I could be angry, but angry is alien to me I just get upset and cry a bit, then I got really down and developed cold sores and a couple of boils and……I wanted a divorce, all this over a little stick.

I ironed everything in sight on Monday while watching the God channel, there was this guy doing a talk on emotion and not giving into it because once you do you’ve lost it and it affects everyone’s reaction around you, I’m not talking about the grief emotion here, that’s perfectly normal, I mean anger, bitterness, jealousy things like that.

At work yesterday I had toothache, headache, cold sores a couple of boils horrendous tinitus and I was still a bit tearful from John’s aresyness and the icing on the cake was my boss was in such a bad mood, he kept slamming stuff and telling us to do what we already knew we would be doing once we finished the thing we were in the middle of doing. I thought about the emotion thing and decided to ‘hand it over to God’ as I was fast losing the will to live (just a saying).

I came home and through my letterbox was the loveliest letter and a book from a mum I’d met at the Bereaved Parents Network meeting, when I read the letter it put life back into perspective pronto, why on earth was I stressing over John saying ‘why can’t you do it’ it so wasn’t worth the energy I’d given it. Because I’m human that’s why, I should have handed it over to God sooner and that letter and book would have arrived earlier.
My God is awesome, I just need to remember that before I go off on one.

You live and learn.

I've been on a course today run by Care of the Family an organisation set up to support people in all aspects of family life. Our pastor gave me a leaflet weeks ago and said it may or may not be helpful to me, it was a day long course for parents who'd lost children and they would try to seat you with people who's child was near the same age as yours.

I like to think I'm doing brilliantley and was quite sure I'd go along there and give more than I received but it didnt really work out that way. The people I sat with today were doing equally as well as I was in that they were there, they were continuing to live their lives and they were looking forward with as much determination as me. I wasn't special and I certainly wasn't able to give without receiving because as we all told our story it was obvious that each one of us had something which inspired the others.

I also realised there were issues that I hadn't yet allowed myself to think too deeply about simply because I like to be super human, so I did get upset and what's good about that is the fact that I didnt even realise they were lurking around in my subconcious until today, so they're out now.

The drive there was the hardest thing I've had to do for a while and I was dreading it because it followed the exact route to the cf unit which was practically Chris's second home and mine come to think of it. I drove past bawling my eyes out, but again I've done it now so its another bridge crossed.

Everyone there today including the organisers and speakers have been where I am now and I'm very glad I went but tonight I'm emotionally exhausted so I'm going to do as I was told and be kind to myself.....that'll be a double voddy and a large wedge of cake with cream 'cos I'm worth it'

Praise God for my continued strength.

Frida

I've been wanting to do a quick blog about last Sunday's service all week but its been a strange week and time online has been rushed.

I didnt think I'd make it to church last week because I was exhausted after our full day doing the Great Strides and getting very lost on the way back, however I woke at 6am a bit full of beans so I went. I'm so glad I did because our speaker for the day was a guy called Steve and he was amazing.

He talked about his wife to begin with, she had survived the Rwandan genocide but had wanted to die after being buried alive with a number of her relatives. She was presumed dead when she was put into the mass grave but woke when they were putting the soil on top of them. She decided to keep quiet and spent 14 hours in there struggling to breathe, then eventually she managed to get free, whereupon she begged anyone and everyone to end her life because she couldn't bear the horror of what she'd experienced. Nobody would help her to end her life so she tried numerous times to end it herself but each time she survived.

She met Steve and they set up a church with 8 members and to date they now have around 1500 regular members. Steve was in the UK to share their story and we were lucky enough to have him visit us, it can't have been easy for him to help his wife through what must have been a massive struggle mentally but he was about the smiliest person I have met in a long time. I think we laughed more than we prayed last Sunday as he has a gift for spreading 'joy' and what an amazing testimony Frida his wife has.

I felt priviliged to be there to hear him speak and proud that he thought our church and our pastor reminded him of home.

Frida has written a book about her experience, its called 'Chosen to die destined to live' I imagine its going to be a hard read but also very inspirational.

I've been putting a massive big blog together over the last few weeks, in it was every single thing I could remember about you because I'm so scared I'll forget one tiny detail. Someone asked me the other day 'Do you still hear Chris' how scary is it that one day I might not, I might have to play a tape to recall your voice.

I think I'll just record something that makes me smile babe, the rest I can read anytime now its written down. These are the last texts you sent me.

Shut it u am comin home in a min. x

bring some cream an u can do me feet. x

And I'm so glad now that I did take the cream and we had the chance to spend those few hours of pure quality time together.

I love you. x

Its a week since I did that very emotional post and I would never have beleived I'd be feeling so different just one week later. After all we're even nearer the day now than we were last week, I should be feeling worse, but I'm not.

I've postponed blogging about last Sunday's service, why? I dont know. Maybe so I could put it into words that didnt sound like someone who'd lost the plot or maybe because I just wanted to keep it all to myself and enjoy it....kind of revel in it before I shared it with anyone. I've never experienced anything like it before in my life, call it a feeling/atmosphere/intimacy or as Col said Divine Intervention but it was amazing. During this Chris spoke to me, he didnt appear in front of me of course that would just be silly, but his face was as clear as a bell in my mind, he looked slightly different just a tad older and slightly rounder in his face. He said 'I'm happy you know mum' and I said 'I know you are' just like that, I didnt feel upset, surprised or anywhere near hysterical I just felt very calm almost as though it was the most natural thing in the world.

I still feel very peaceful and so much stronger than last week when I did that last post. Our church is brilliant, our God is awsome, and I am truly blessed.

We just need a womens breakfast now (wink)

HOW HARD IS THIS!!

I love the sun and I love the garden but I've bawled my eyes out all day today, the smell of the cut grass, your willow tree, the patio you helped to build with your mates, the decking you supervised being built, the pond you and the lads made, Rodney, the cabin and the bloody sun......Arghhhhh!!

The day we got your willow.

Me and you after a hard days graft

You and the lads doing the pond

You supervising the patio building

You and Rodney

Your willow last summer (wrong date on camera)

We miss you so much.

Healing

It’s Sunday again and I feel like getting something out of my head and into words, what’s brought it on this week?

Today’s service was mainly around healing and when ears were mentioned I was out at the front pronto because my right ear hasn’t been working for about 6 weeks now. I know it will get better I just don’t know the time and date just yet. However since I got home I’ve been thinking about God’s healing and I don’t just think it applies to fixing an ear, a back problem or anything else physical.

For years now I’ve had one or two drinks before bed (sometimes a tad more than that) and after saying goodbye to Chris last year I definitely wouldn’t consider going to bed totally sober because then I’d have to THINK and thinking is very very painful. Lately though I started to dislike the person who couldn’t quite remember going up to bed or getting up the next morning wondering what exactly I’d said when chatting late at night in cyberland. Feeling not quite top notch enough to go to the gym or clean the house started to get on my nerves where before it hadn’t bothered me one bit. So I decided to pray for release from alcohol, I asked God to help me to stop having a few drinks at night and to help me cope with the thinking that comes to a clear mind at night just before you go to sleep.

After about a week of praying on this I got up one morning a few weeks ago and knew that I wasn’t going to have a drink that night. Three weeks on I can’t believe how easy it is and after 20 odd years of having a few most nights I now don’t need it any more and I CAN think and I DO sleep.

Now that is healing.