2 years.

Hey you Christopher!

Drag yourself away from whatever project you have on the go up there and listen for a minute. Its the 20th of August 2008 down here, do you remember two years ago yesterday in the carphone warehouse when you got the call for your transplant and you acted like it was nothing. You got back in the queue to buy your phone eventhough we only had an hour and a half to get to the hospital. You did my head in that day, even insisting on driving us all there.

Anyway, I made you a candle to mark the actual day you got your new lungs and to thank the donor for giving us that extra time with you.

How cool is that

I'm laughing now because I know exactly what your answer would be 'Its rubbish, in fact its the stooooopidest candle I've ever seen'. Blimey it feels like you are sitting right beside me just now, I so wish you were.

Loving and forgiving......

I've put off blogging about a certain hoax blog because to be honest when I first heard it might be a fake I laughed my head off at myself for being so guilable. However it seems there are others who were badly hurt as a result of this and for them I feel very sorry.

This weeks service was once again about loving our neighbour so I'm going to forgive whoever it was that caused me a couple of days flashbacks to when Chris was in ICU. I'll also let them off with the many prayers I said for their healing because I beleive they need that more than ever. I'm ok and I'll pray that everyone else who was affected is ok too.

Baptism testimony - 10th August 2008

Hello everyone,

I’d like to start by saying I’ve always believed in God and I’ve always prayed, it sort of went like this:

The Our Father
The Hail Mary
The Confession
The Eternal rest

Followed by prayers for various family and friends, it was always in the same order and if my mind wandered or I momentarily dozed off I’d have to start at the beginning again, why? Because prayer was done parrot fashion and I talked at God rather than to Him.

I had to say goodbye to my youngest son in May of last year, he was 24 years old and had probably faced more pain emotionally and physically than most of us here today will ever have to deal with, but he left a message in his diary to be read out at his funeral. It said this:

I would like to start by saying I have had the best of life I could ask for, even having cystic fibrosis my life was made so easy and laid back. I count myself lucky to be Blessed with the family I have. I couldn’t ask for anything better simply because better doesn’t exist. My family is the best. As for cystic fibrosis, yes I had it but my mum, dad and Mike made it so easy to live with, I am so grateful. As for my friends, I couldn’t ask for better, I thank them all.
God Bless you all, every one of you.

Chris had a double lung transplant due to cystic fibrosis, this was to be his new life, but unfortunately he developed complications just eight and a half months later. While he was ill I lived in a bungalow at the hospital, it was a desperate time for me, his dad and his brother Mike. Every day brought us more bad news and it was the longest 6 weeks of our lives, but during this time I received regular texts from many many people, one of who was my lifelong friend Wendy. She would send messages suggesting I read God’s word, sometimes it would be a psalm, sometimes a reading and I spent most nights of those 6 weeks building a proper relationship with God.

I didn’t see it at the time but I used to get what I called ‘my calm’ it was an amazing feeling, not like anything I’d ever experienced before. It clicked in many times while Chris was ill and helped me to get through every parents worst nightmare. I knew before the doctors did that we would have to say goodbye to Chris and when they finally agreed with me and stopped aggressive treatment he smiled, although unconscious, he smiled.

My ‘calm’ as I called it has clicked in many times in the last year just when I most needed it, Mothers Day, my birthday, Chris’s birthday, Christmas and the anniversary of saying goodbye to him, I don’t call it my calm any more though because I now know its God’s peace and God’s strength.

Chris and I had made plans to come to Kings together, he called it Wendy’s church because whenever we met her in Asda she’s say ‘when are you coming to my church’ so he thought it belonged to her. Sadly he never made it, but that’s what brought me here and its no coincidence because God had his hand on me and on Chris way before we knew anything about it.

My prayers have changed slightly these days, it sort of goes like this now ‘Praise you my God for where I am now and where I want to stay always’ I talk to God now as I would chat to a friend and it doesn’t matter if I momentarily wander or doze because He knows what is truly in my heart.

We’ll never know the reason why we had to say goodbye to Chris, we prayed, Kings prayer group prayed and many more people prayed. But maybe, just maybe Chris also prayed, but a different prayer. On one occasion while he was conscious he said to me ‘this isn’t going to work mum’ and I knew he’d had enough, I trust that God did too.

I won’t pretend that life is easy for me John and Mike without our Chris because it isn’t, I still cry most days but I certainly never imagined I’d be able to laugh, feel joy, peace or calm again, I do though, I feel all of those things daily because whenever I’m struggling I’ve learned to hand it over to God and He never ever fails me.

Not only have I gained strength in my walk with God but I’ve also been able to help others who have lost a child and are finding it hard to cope, how Blessed am I to be able to do that.

In September I’m starting college and in 4 years time at 56 years old I’ll be a qualified nurse, I say that in full confidence because if that is my gift then God will make it happen, if it isn’t then I know I’ll be shown the path I should follow, that’s the great thing about having God in my life, its not complex or complicated, its simple, so why on earth did I struggle for so long when all I had to do was ask, I’ll tell you why, because I didn’t really know Him, but I do now and if I could I would prescribe everyone I know a huge dose of what I have, because its free and unlike some medication it works every time.

I had a crazy idea that I’d like to sing on my baptism day, but I was born tone deaf and I’m also officially stone deaf in my right ear so will spare you all that pleasure but the song that touched me the very moment I heard it made such an impression on me that I’d like to speak the words to you.

Father I place into your hands the things I cannot do.
Father I place into your hands the things that I’ve been through.
Father I place into your hands the way that I should go.
For I know I always can trust you.

Father I place into your hands my friends and family.
Father I place into your hands the things that trouble me.
Father I place into your hands the person I would be.
For I know I always can trust you.

Father we love to see your face, we love to hear YOUR VOICE.
Father we love to sing your praise and in your name rejoice.
Father we love to walk with you and in your presence rest.
For we know we always can trust you.

Father I want to be with you and do the things you do.
Father I want to speak the words that you are speaking too.
Father I want to love the one’s that you will draw to you.
For I know, that I am one with you.

For I know, that I am one with you.

Col has mentioned many times that God often chooses unusual circumstances or unlikely people to glorify his name, I think my story backs that up because who would ever think that losing a son would be the thing that brought me to Him, but it did and do you know why? Because He wanted me to be saved, that’s why. Its not about me, its about what God has done and will continue to do for me, how exciting is that.

_______________

I miss you so much Chris, you continue to inspire me and many others in the way you lived your life and always put others before yourself. I know you are still with me and always will be until the day we meet again. I love you babe.
Love mum. x

I'm excited now.

I've just got back from my Baptism class and I'm sooooooo filled with amazing happiness, I'm also hoarse because I played my God 1 CD and sang at the top of my voice all the way home.

I'm well Blessed I am.

Steps.

I did it, I went and I stayed an hour and a half and yes it was very very hard. J was in the room that Chris always favoured because it looked onto the garden that was designed especially for the cf patients, one of his favourite nurses Brian had got a lot of the cf'ers involved in making that garden and what an acheivement it was, in fact I'm sure thats what inspired our Chris to want a secret garden here. He got on brilliantley with Brian and even did a caricature of him which the staff had framed and gave to him when he left to go to another job.

The feeling on arriving at the hospital was that hollow one thats so hard to describe, its like a wave or a shudder and reaches the deepest part of your mind and body almost producing an inner moan like an animal. It makes you want to run away and hide somewhere where the hurt can't get you but of course you don't because you'd be running for the rest of your days.

Once I got to the ward, down the corridor and into J's room I was ok-ish and we had a right old laugh as she threw me a pot of what looked like medication. The label said 'One to be taken 10,000 times per day' blimey thats a hefty dose hunni I said, what are they? Steps she replied, I have to take 10,000 steps a day and thats 7 miles so there's no chance.........noooooooo way! She's taking part in a keep fit thing apparently so I said I'd text her when I got to the car park and tell her her how many it took me, I did and it was only 440 she was gutted.

I'm glad I went as I thought I'd be because when I've thought about the unit today I see J in that room first and recount some of the giggles we had last night, before my mind zooms back to Chris, its all about moving on and not getting stuck in a time warp to me, others may see it differentley because we all do it in our own way and what works for one doesn't always work for the other.

Praise God for my continued strength.

Firsts

I’m going to The CTC tomorrow evening, I’ll be visiting a friend on The Amanda Unit, that’s the one Chris practically lived in pre-transplant and it’ll be the first time I’ve been back. I have a sketch of Chris’s that’s going to be put on the wall there and I said I’d take it one day when some of the staff I know are on duty so I can say hello. The more I thought about that day the more I reckoned it would be too overwhelming, so I said to J who Chris and I have known since paediatrics, when you next go in for iv’s I’ll come to see you, that will be a reason to go other than the focus being Chris, which is still so bloody painfull, especially when I’m doing something that just him and I did together for so long, its just so personal and always hits a very raw nerve.

So I’m going but I’ll not take his sketch because I’d like to take it up on or around his birthday and I would also like to see the staff again. By visiting J first I think it might make that day a bit easier. I know I could give the picture to somebody to take for me but I feel its something I want to do myself and I know by experience that I’ll be glad I did because these things are never as bad on the day as I think they will be.

I feel better already now that’s out of my head and into words, good idea this blog is.

After a blip last week I’m back on track and once again all the stronger for it. I think I had to experience that blip for two reasons, to bring something to the surface that I hadn’t properly dealt with and also to show me again that if I hand it over to God instead of trying to battle through it myself, He’ll get it sorted. In the past I’ve always termed this as ‘cabbaged head’ and it’s a pretty good description of a mind that forgets to draw on the reservoir that God provides freely when I have Him in my life. It’s so easy in that mindset to allow any negatives or doubts in my life to rear up and replace the joy and calm that I’ve been Blessed with for so long now.

Something Col talked about on Sunday was speaking out about your faith, I don’t mean preaching but expressing how you truly feel about having God in your life, this will nearly always bring on reactions that challenge us. I had that happen to me last week during the blip, I was told I’d changed, lost the plot and was acting like I was being brainwashed. It really did upset me because it came from someone who I love very much so it hurt a lot. I went to bed that night and prayed for myself, I hated the doubts and negatives that were creeping in and I wanted the joy and my calm back again. As soon as I woke the next morning I knew I felt different, I had that lovely familiar feeling of calm, like you just downed a bottle of chill pills. Its great to be back here again and I don’t ever ever want to live a life that crowds my head with doubts or negative thoughts, so I’ll keep drawing on the reservoir and my head can tow the line and obey my heart.

This looks like being an epic blog because there’s another thing.

Speaking in public, now then some people are very good at this, they have the knack of keeping their audience captivated because they are very good with words, they probably never have to say erm to cover up and can even make little jokes along the way. This will not be me because when I get baptised on the 10th of August and give my testimony there WILL be erm’s along with a few throat clearings I imagine, but my story is one of hope, joy and positivity that came from circumstances which could easily have been a downward spiral for me.

God uses the most unlikely routes you know.