Strength

I've not been on here for a while, well that's not true actually, because I have, but I ended up hitting the delete button soon after reading my post back. I wrote another letter to Chris, I made up a poem to him and I just plain poured my heart out about how painful Christmas is. But for some reason I just couldn't post it.

I've had one of those horrid waves this last week and it all started when I tried to do Christmas shopping over a week ago. John and I set out to find this market, but as soon as I got out of the car and saw the decorations and heard the Christmas songs, I wanted no part of it. What used to be a happy, magical time, is just so sad when you've had to say goodbye to your child.

It's strange, but one of the blogs I read tonight was about a person who had received a transplant, he was paying tribute to his donor and saying thank you for my gift of life. It touched me and reminded me that I did get to see Chris enjoy a 'normal' life, some parents don't get that chance.

The one and only thing that has kept me going through this last week is a Sunday, when I get to church. I can't explain it to anyone, but it gives me superhuman strength. The lump in my throat is getting smaller now and I will do Christmas this year, thanks to the strength that God gives me, the lovely friends and family I have around me and reading Oli's blog.

Love again.

What an awsome day I've had today. As I've already said on my other blog, the service this morning was amazingly uplifting and tonight has been so special. Our church hosted the get together of several churches on the Wirral and I can't begin to put into words how good it feels to be among like minded people who just 'love' each other.

Being a welcomer at the door I stuck my hand out to greet everyone and do you know how wonderful it is that there's no embarrassment and no fear of rejection, it's just niceness and I'm Blessed to be a part of it.

I'm proud to be a part of working together on the Wirral.

Its good to be back.

What a truly wonderful feeling it is to be back in God's presence, to be filled with the joy of The Holy Spirit has to be the most comforting, strengthening and loving place that exists.

As I've done before and I daresay I'll do again, I got lost in believing I could handle the hard things in life with just my own strength and before I knew it, the inner peace and joy had started to wane. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a miserable person, but over the last few weeks that special thing was missing, I haven't even blogged about church for ages. That's probably because I didn't go last week and wasn't really there in spirit the week before. How, I ask myself, can I let my trust in God take a back seat and battle on with only human strength, when I know for sure I only have to open up and ask.

I'll tell you why, because sometimes the horrid things in life stun me for a while and I flounder and forget to ask God to help me to deal with them. This last few weeks four young people I know of have lost their lives and it is hard to come to terms with. To just accept and not acknowledge the sadness would be inhuman and disrespectful to the families and friends of those young people. To be sad and still have as strong a faith is something that I am Blessed with. But I still need reminding that I can't do it alone. I needed to hear Col's words today, every bit as much as Williams message, just to remind me that no matter what happens, God will pick me up and restore my joy and peace.

It's not by chance that my favourite song was sung this morning because I hear those words every time I really need them. Praise God.

You are my strength
Strength like no other
Strength like no other
Reaches to me

You are my hope
Hope like no other
Hope like no other
Reaches to me

In the fullness of your grace
In the power of your name
You lift me up
You lift me up

Unfailing love
Higher than mountains
Deeper than oceans
Reaches to me

Your love O Lord
Reaches to the heavens
Your faithfulness
Reaches to the skies

I know that God has plans for me, He put college on my path and through Him I am doing better than I ever thought possible, because He is my strength.

Thoughts

I'm not going to go on about how full of joy my life is, as I usually do on here, because it just doesn't seem the right thing to do at the moment.

I've just been reading a thread on the cf forum which was posted by a young man with cf. He tells us how hard he's finding it to deal with the passing of a beautiful young girl (also with cf) whom he didn't really know that well. Young people with cf who are members of the forum read about others with cf losing their life regularly, it knocks them down, but time after time they pick themselves back up again and carry on. I have such great admiration for these wonderful and courageous people and they would absolutley hate me for saying that they're brave, because to them it's just life with cf. But I want to say it, because I feel it deeply right now.

The other reason for wanting to blog about this is because we have a similar situation going on here at the moment. Tragically two young lives have been lost in separate road traffic accidents, both of them were friends of my son Mike's girlfriend. One of them was one of her best friends and she's having a really hard time trying to come to terms with it. Mike has already lost his cousin, uncle and brother, which is harsh at such a young age, but these recent tragic deaths have really hit him hard, even though he hardly knew them.

Life is so difficult sometimes, I pray for everyone struggling to cope with the utter unfairness of it all and especially for the friends and families of Toria, Josh and Lucinda.

Lovely things

A very lovely and special friend of mine sent me this verse on Chris's birthday. It made me smile and that's a good 'thing'

I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine, He said.
For you to love the while he lives and mourn when he is dead,
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you, but should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories, as solace for your grief,
I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.

I've looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call to take him back again.

I fancied that I heard them say: "Dear Lord, Thy will be done"
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness; we'll love him while we may,
And for happiness we've known, forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for him much sooner than we'd planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.

Thank you Em.

My life continues to be Blessed.

Chris.

Happy Birthday babe.

I can't write any more, feeling very vulnerable today.

Hard things.

I miss you so much.

Love..part a hundred an odd.

We’re back on the ‘Love’ thing this week and this time Col talked a lot about loving our husband/wife/children. He really could have been talking directly to me today because my poor husband and child haven’t seen very much of me in the last month. College is all consuming at the moment and it really is taking up a lot of my time, note to myself, don’t forget you have a hubby and son. During the service Col was saying he was so very glad he didn’t become a pastor when the children were young, because he’d have missed out on spending quality time with them. A lot of his time is taken up these days with the never ending (I imagine) things a pastor does. He urged us to take time out for our children and also for our partners, it has a big effect on our kids when they see their mum and dad happily spending time with each other. Do it!! before its too late, he said. At this point Daph, who was sitting next to me got hold of my hand and she kept hold of it for ages, Bless her. At the end she put her arms around me and said ‘I really felt it for you’ I got a bit of a lump in my throat, but I was able to say to her “I’m Blessed you know Daph” and I am, because the message our Chris left for us told me I’d done it right, I can’t begin to tell you how priceless that is.

There was another wonderful thing about today; Col had been to a Catholic funeral last week, it was the first time he’d seen the ‘breaking of bread’ in a Catholic church. He was touched by the respect with which the alter boy and girl laid out the cloths and the way people went to the front to receive the bread. He then announced ‘we are going to do it different here today’ everyone listened intently, ‘we’re going to do it the Catholic way’ and instead of passing the basket and wine round we’re all going to come to the front. Well my heart leapt a bit, I used to be a Catholic and part of me feels a bit guilty that I’ve abandoned a faith that I grew up with. I don’t regret becoming a ‘born again’ Christian for one minute, but I was overjoyed that the church is now becoming so open to other faiths, what an amazingly wonderful world this would be if we all loved and respected each other, no matter what………………now that would be mega love.

I am full to the brim with pure joy today, thank you My awesome God.

Great things.

The children were the main focus of the service today, the little one’s and the big one’s. The little one’s were given prizes for various achievements throughout the year and the big one’s (adults) treated us to a puppet show all about Noah, it was fab.

Next up was Ian, who spent most of his time striding around and talking to us in a blindfold, earmuffs and oven gloves, never a dull moment in our church you know! He was actually portraying how he’d appear if an angel had looked down on him 19 years ago.. It’s a pretty good description of where I was at just over a year ago. I didn’t really see God or hear him and I needed someone to take the gloves off for me (thank you Wend) so I could undo the blindfold and remove the ear muffs. I actually said to my friends today ‘ I so wish this had happened years ago’ but I know that God’s timing is always right, I’m where I should be now. Praise God.

Then came a moment I’m still trying to find a word for, a reunion of three friends from childhood. As we sat and chatted over coffee and cake I couldn’t stop looking at these two precious people who I’d grown up with. I was so scared they would disappear, but at the same time I knew that they were here to stay, because my life continues to be Blessed with such amazing things.

How great is our God eh!

Sing with me
How great is our God
and all will see
How great, How great
Is our God.

And He is you know.

Love is all around...

Oh wow, what a truly wonderful service it was today. Love is in the air again and I have to say at this point I don’t ever want to be anywhere else, I’ll just stay right here in my life because I’m surrounded by love on all sides and it gets better and better.

Love God and Love Thy neighbour, that’s it, just that. It brings so many good things into your life, don’t keep score of the things in life that people have done or said to hurt you, forgive, forget and move on, you will be Blessed in every way, believe me it’s a different life. I know because I’m living it right now and I’ll be the first to say, when people told me about walking with God I didn’t believe that what they had was any better than I had, but there really is no comparison. I have no idea what I used to think Joy was, maybe a good holiday, a new car or a good old knees-up at the local, I really don’t remember, because the Joy that goes right through to my soul now, I swear I’ve never felt before in my life. Praise God.

1 Corinthians 13.

We had a wedding today, it was Duc and Le, its been a long time since I went to a wedding and it made me cry, strangely enough it was the very first time I have ever cried at a wedding. I just felt so much emotion for this lovely couple starting out on their married life, a life that they will put totally into Gods hands, its an awesome feeling when you’re at one with God and everyone else in the room is too, you can feel His presence, it prickles your skin and takes you to somewhere that no human being can ever take you.

Yes, I have had to say goodbye to my precious son and that is definitely the most painful thing a parent will ever have to face here on earth, it still hurts more than anything ever has or ever will, but I have Peace, Joy and so much Love in great quantities that nobody will ever convince me it could be anything but a miracle.

Loving this song:

Father God You are my rock,
Its you I trust,
And my heart is longing after You,
It’s You I love,
Cause I want to know You,
To be always with You,
To be always by Your side,
And when I am shaken,
You are my foundation,
All my life, I’ll testify.

Great are You Lord, exalted on high,
Great are You Lord exalted and
I will find my shelter in the shadow of Your Wings,
My Father God.

Amazing.

Oh wow what a brilliant time I had at church this morning, I continue to be in awe of the way God enriches my life, the Grace and Joy is limitless and I’m so very glad that I have Him walking beside me giving me all the things that strengthen me.

Neil was our speaker today, he was bringing part 2 of his message, I’d missed last week but was able to catch up easily enough. The thing about being there and listening to the speaker is that we will all probably take our own message from it and apply it to our own circumstances, we all live different lives and have our own challenges but I find it amazing that every time I listen I feel as though those words were meant especially for me. What I took from today was no matter where we are in life just now, if we stumble as we travel down the path then God will pick us up, dust us off and set us right back on the path, we just have to ask him into our life, live his word and believe that what we ask for will be given.

Sometimes things crop up that scare me or try to bring me down, I’m human and I sometimes forget to ask for the protection and Grace that I know I can have any time. I went back to studying recently and as my previous post explains I started to feel the old familiar anxieties of my school days when I struggled to achieve what was required, it was scary, until this morning that is when I was told ‘ask and believe and you will be given’ God picked me up, got me back on my feet and set me back on the path. I’m so totally full of optimism because I know I can do this now.

For ages we’ve all been praying for L, she’s gone out to Africa to work in a centre for disabled children, she went alone with no permanent accommodation and no friends to keep her company. My prayer for L has been:

‘Thank you Lord for making it possible for L to go out to Africa and help the children and their parents. Send her your strength, let her find accommodation and help her to make friends so that she isn’t lonely’

Her latest communication said she’d found a flat to rent, there were a number of people wanting to rent it but the landlord said he felt compelled to give it to her, she had no money to furnish it but prayed and put it into Gods hands. The next day the landlord said he’d decided to furnish it for her, completely, including extra little luxuries like cushions on the couch. Then the money ran out for the building of the centre and it was thought the whole thing might be held up, low and behold the money came and the centre will be finished in October. She has made lots and lots of friends and is overjoyed about how things are going out there. What a miracle. Praise God.

During the service Col’s guitar string broke so we were all told to chat among ourselves while he fixed it and as I was nattering a familiar face appeared in front of me. I can’t begin to describe how overcome with pure Joy I was to realise it was one of my childhood friends, not just anyone though, it was the third person in our ‘trio’ she’d been living abroad and had only recently moved back here. Wendy Chris and I were very close when we were growing up, we weren’t always our parent’s idea of model children and I never ever imagined we would be reunited in the way we have, but God did. Thank you Lord for all you’ve done and continue to do for me, I am so very Blessed.

Song for this week has to be.

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Saviour has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

Banishing Demons.

Ok I feel like this particular issue is a quiet time one, its nothing to do with Chris or church but it is something that I’m a bit reluctant to put on my normal blog. I have a learning problem that stems back to childhood, it’s definitley a mental thing rather than anything else though. When I was at school I always managed to get the wrong end of the stick and went off at the wrong angle, I’d write loads and it usually had nothing at all to do with the answer they were looking for. Time after time I’d be told to read the question properly before I waded in with the size 7’s, but I never ever learned to do that so ended up feeling as though I was unteachable ( I know that isn’t a word).

This hasn’t been a problem for many years because I was totally confident in everything regarding running a home, working here and there and bringing up two kids. However I’m now back at school and the old demons are reminding me that it wasn’t easy first time round and I do panic now and again that it will be a repeat performance of an earlier life.

First lesson in Psychology was about childhood memories that we didn’t like being shoved into the unconscious and only emerging into the sub conscious when something triggers it and they leak out, well its leaked now and I’m determined that its going to be dealt with and put to bed. I know I’m capable of learning if I don’t panic about it and put the wall up, so I’m working hard on facing up to my demons and telling them to go to hell, they don’t have a place in my life now. That was a different life and they are not getting a look in on this one……..So there!!

Every day should be a Sunday.

Our speaker today was Steph, she's 19 and has just completed a year at bible college, she has 2 more to do and I reckon she's going to be a brilliant at whatever she's called to do. God has no boundries you know, some might think can I really sit here and listen to a 19 year old preaching 'The Word' after all, I'm 50 odd and have seen and done it all. Steph has been in bible college exactly the same time as I've been going to Kings and do you know what, she fired me up today because she has a passion.

This past week I've been spinning plates, you know that one in the circus where you run from one spinning plate to another trying to keep every one going and panicking in case one of those plates fall and break, you feel that if you dont keep those plates up on the sticks and they fall then its somehow down to you because you could have run faster and kept it up.

Well I learned today that no matter how hard we try to keep those plates up, at the end of the day we have to stop and concentrate on our own relashionship with God and when we do that for real and live His Word we receive that peace, the one that allows us to take a step back and let the plates find their own balance.

Its not just about a Sunday, it can be Sunday every day if I want it to be, God wants to look out for us but he can't do that unless we ask him into our life and truly want him there. I'm still learning because I occasionally have times when I go off on one, today brought me back again thanks to a 19 year old. Its been said many times, God uses unlikely people and unusual circumstances, we just have to break out of our comfy place and acknowledge it.

Listen.

Sundays have a habit of handing me something very special and today was no exception. Ian was our speaker for today and he was brilliant, he talked about the way we read or listen to Gods word. We can read the bible from back to front, put it down and tell ourselves we are ‘there’ we have a valid passport to heaven. We can go along on a Sunday, sing the songs hear the words that the speaker shares with us and happily go off for lunch at Pizza Hut safe in the knowledge that we have that ticket to everlasting life safely in our pocket.

Only…..its not quite as easy as that, when we read or hear Gods word we have to be sure to listen and absorb it then live it daily, sort of renewing that passport that we’ve been issued with. I used to think that when I got to the gates they would be opened and I’d walk in no problem, after all I considered myself to be a Christian so my name would be on the list. But saying to myself that I was a Christian and actually living each day in Gods word, knowing Him and believing that the joy and peace in my life is Him has shown me once again that I didn’t really know Him at all, I just thought I did.

Way back I used to ask God for something for my mum and sort of hoped I’d wake up one morning finding it had happened overnight, recently I’ve asked the same thing but the difference is I truly believed it would happen. I got a phone call from my mum in the week asking me if she could come to church with me this Sunday and afterwards she said she’d felt something she couldn’t put into words while Ian was talking. She said she felt totally absorbed when he was speaking and ‘listened’ and ‘heard’.

My mum stayed in a crowded room for the whole of the service, that might seem an easy thing to do for some people but for her it was a huge achievement.

Praise you my awesome God for talking through Ian today and reaching out to my mum.

My very favourite song for this week and I so wish I could sing proper.

You are my strength
Strength like no other
Strength like no other
Reaches to me

You are my hope
Hope like no other
Hope like no other
Reaches to me

In the fullness of your grace
In the power of your name
You lift me up
You lift me up

Unfailing love
Stronger than mountains
Clearer than oceans
Reaches to me.

2 years.

Hey you Christopher!

Drag yourself away from whatever project you have on the go up there and listen for a minute. Its the 20th of August 2008 down here, do you remember two years ago yesterday in the carphone warehouse when you got the call for your transplant and you acted like it was nothing. You got back in the queue to buy your phone eventhough we only had an hour and a half to get to the hospital. You did my head in that day, even insisting on driving us all there.

Anyway, I made you a candle to mark the actual day you got your new lungs and to thank the donor for giving us that extra time with you.

How cool is that

I'm laughing now because I know exactly what your answer would be 'Its rubbish, in fact its the stooooopidest candle I've ever seen'. Blimey it feels like you are sitting right beside me just now, I so wish you were.

Loving and forgiving......

I've put off blogging about a certain hoax blog because to be honest when I first heard it might be a fake I laughed my head off at myself for being so guilable. However it seems there are others who were badly hurt as a result of this and for them I feel very sorry.

This weeks service was once again about loving our neighbour so I'm going to forgive whoever it was that caused me a couple of days flashbacks to when Chris was in ICU. I'll also let them off with the many prayers I said for their healing because I beleive they need that more than ever. I'm ok and I'll pray that everyone else who was affected is ok too.

Baptism testimony - 10th August 2008

Hello everyone,

I’d like to start by saying I’ve always believed in God and I’ve always prayed, it sort of went like this:

The Our Father
The Hail Mary
The Confession
The Eternal rest

Followed by prayers for various family and friends, it was always in the same order and if my mind wandered or I momentarily dozed off I’d have to start at the beginning again, why? Because prayer was done parrot fashion and I talked at God rather than to Him.

I had to say goodbye to my youngest son in May of last year, he was 24 years old and had probably faced more pain emotionally and physically than most of us here today will ever have to deal with, but he left a message in his diary to be read out at his funeral. It said this:

I would like to start by saying I have had the best of life I could ask for, even having cystic fibrosis my life was made so easy and laid back. I count myself lucky to be Blessed with the family I have. I couldn’t ask for anything better simply because better doesn’t exist. My family is the best. As for cystic fibrosis, yes I had it but my mum, dad and Mike made it so easy to live with, I am so grateful. As for my friends, I couldn’t ask for better, I thank them all.
God Bless you all, every one of you.

Chris had a double lung transplant due to cystic fibrosis, this was to be his new life, but unfortunately he developed complications just eight and a half months later. While he was ill I lived in a bungalow at the hospital, it was a desperate time for me, his dad and his brother Mike. Every day brought us more bad news and it was the longest 6 weeks of our lives, but during this time I received regular texts from many many people, one of who was my lifelong friend Wendy. She would send messages suggesting I read God’s word, sometimes it would be a psalm, sometimes a reading and I spent most nights of those 6 weeks building a proper relationship with God.

I didn’t see it at the time but I used to get what I called ‘my calm’ it was an amazing feeling, not like anything I’d ever experienced before. It clicked in many times while Chris was ill and helped me to get through every parents worst nightmare. I knew before the doctors did that we would have to say goodbye to Chris and when they finally agreed with me and stopped aggressive treatment he smiled, although unconscious, he smiled.

My ‘calm’ as I called it has clicked in many times in the last year just when I most needed it, Mothers Day, my birthday, Chris’s birthday, Christmas and the anniversary of saying goodbye to him, I don’t call it my calm any more though because I now know its God’s peace and God’s strength.

Chris and I had made plans to come to Kings together, he called it Wendy’s church because whenever we met her in Asda she’s say ‘when are you coming to my church’ so he thought it belonged to her. Sadly he never made it, but that’s what brought me here and its no coincidence because God had his hand on me and on Chris way before we knew anything about it.

My prayers have changed slightly these days, it sort of goes like this now ‘Praise you my God for where I am now and where I want to stay always’ I talk to God now as I would chat to a friend and it doesn’t matter if I momentarily wander or doze because He knows what is truly in my heart.

We’ll never know the reason why we had to say goodbye to Chris, we prayed, Kings prayer group prayed and many more people prayed. But maybe, just maybe Chris also prayed, but a different prayer. On one occasion while he was conscious he said to me ‘this isn’t going to work mum’ and I knew he’d had enough, I trust that God did too.

I won’t pretend that life is easy for me John and Mike without our Chris because it isn’t, I still cry most days but I certainly never imagined I’d be able to laugh, feel joy, peace or calm again, I do though, I feel all of those things daily because whenever I’m struggling I’ve learned to hand it over to God and He never ever fails me.

Not only have I gained strength in my walk with God but I’ve also been able to help others who have lost a child and are finding it hard to cope, how Blessed am I to be able to do that.

In September I’m starting college and in 4 years time at 56 years old I’ll be a qualified nurse, I say that in full confidence because if that is my gift then God will make it happen, if it isn’t then I know I’ll be shown the path I should follow, that’s the great thing about having God in my life, its not complex or complicated, its simple, so why on earth did I struggle for so long when all I had to do was ask, I’ll tell you why, because I didn’t really know Him, but I do now and if I could I would prescribe everyone I know a huge dose of what I have, because its free and unlike some medication it works every time.

I had a crazy idea that I’d like to sing on my baptism day, but I was born tone deaf and I’m also officially stone deaf in my right ear so will spare you all that pleasure but the song that touched me the very moment I heard it made such an impression on me that I’d like to speak the words to you.

Father I place into your hands the things I cannot do.
Father I place into your hands the things that I’ve been through.
Father I place into your hands the way that I should go.
For I know I always can trust you.

Father I place into your hands my friends and family.
Father I place into your hands the things that trouble me.
Father I place into your hands the person I would be.
For I know I always can trust you.

Father we love to see your face, we love to hear YOUR VOICE.
Father we love to sing your praise and in your name rejoice.
Father we love to walk with you and in your presence rest.
For we know we always can trust you.

Father I want to be with you and do the things you do.
Father I want to speak the words that you are speaking too.
Father I want to love the one’s that you will draw to you.
For I know, that I am one with you.

For I know, that I am one with you.

Col has mentioned many times that God often chooses unusual circumstances or unlikely people to glorify his name, I think my story backs that up because who would ever think that losing a son would be the thing that brought me to Him, but it did and do you know why? Because He wanted me to be saved, that’s why. Its not about me, its about what God has done and will continue to do for me, how exciting is that.

_______________

I miss you so much Chris, you continue to inspire me and many others in the way you lived your life and always put others before yourself. I know you are still with me and always will be until the day we meet again. I love you babe.
Love mum. x

I'm excited now.

I've just got back from my Baptism class and I'm sooooooo filled with amazing happiness, I'm also hoarse because I played my God 1 CD and sang at the top of my voice all the way home.

I'm well Blessed I am.

Steps.

I did it, I went and I stayed an hour and a half and yes it was very very hard. J was in the room that Chris always favoured because it looked onto the garden that was designed especially for the cf patients, one of his favourite nurses Brian had got a lot of the cf'ers involved in making that garden and what an acheivement it was, in fact I'm sure thats what inspired our Chris to want a secret garden here. He got on brilliantley with Brian and even did a caricature of him which the staff had framed and gave to him when he left to go to another job.

The feeling on arriving at the hospital was that hollow one thats so hard to describe, its like a wave or a shudder and reaches the deepest part of your mind and body almost producing an inner moan like an animal. It makes you want to run away and hide somewhere where the hurt can't get you but of course you don't because you'd be running for the rest of your days.

Once I got to the ward, down the corridor and into J's room I was ok-ish and we had a right old laugh as she threw me a pot of what looked like medication. The label said 'One to be taken 10,000 times per day' blimey thats a hefty dose hunni I said, what are they? Steps she replied, I have to take 10,000 steps a day and thats 7 miles so there's no chance.........noooooooo way! She's taking part in a keep fit thing apparently so I said I'd text her when I got to the car park and tell her her how many it took me, I did and it was only 440 she was gutted.

I'm glad I went as I thought I'd be because when I've thought about the unit today I see J in that room first and recount some of the giggles we had last night, before my mind zooms back to Chris, its all about moving on and not getting stuck in a time warp to me, others may see it differentley because we all do it in our own way and what works for one doesn't always work for the other.

Praise God for my continued strength.

Firsts

I’m going to The CTC tomorrow evening, I’ll be visiting a friend on The Amanda Unit, that’s the one Chris practically lived in pre-transplant and it’ll be the first time I’ve been back. I have a sketch of Chris’s that’s going to be put on the wall there and I said I’d take it one day when some of the staff I know are on duty so I can say hello. The more I thought about that day the more I reckoned it would be too overwhelming, so I said to J who Chris and I have known since paediatrics, when you next go in for iv’s I’ll come to see you, that will be a reason to go other than the focus being Chris, which is still so bloody painfull, especially when I’m doing something that just him and I did together for so long, its just so personal and always hits a very raw nerve.

So I’m going but I’ll not take his sketch because I’d like to take it up on or around his birthday and I would also like to see the staff again. By visiting J first I think it might make that day a bit easier. I know I could give the picture to somebody to take for me but I feel its something I want to do myself and I know by experience that I’ll be glad I did because these things are never as bad on the day as I think they will be.

I feel better already now that’s out of my head and into words, good idea this blog is.

After a blip last week I’m back on track and once again all the stronger for it. I think I had to experience that blip for two reasons, to bring something to the surface that I hadn’t properly dealt with and also to show me again that if I hand it over to God instead of trying to battle through it myself, He’ll get it sorted. In the past I’ve always termed this as ‘cabbaged head’ and it’s a pretty good description of a mind that forgets to draw on the reservoir that God provides freely when I have Him in my life. It’s so easy in that mindset to allow any negatives or doubts in my life to rear up and replace the joy and calm that I’ve been Blessed with for so long now.

Something Col talked about on Sunday was speaking out about your faith, I don’t mean preaching but expressing how you truly feel about having God in your life, this will nearly always bring on reactions that challenge us. I had that happen to me last week during the blip, I was told I’d changed, lost the plot and was acting like I was being brainwashed. It really did upset me because it came from someone who I love very much so it hurt a lot. I went to bed that night and prayed for myself, I hated the doubts and negatives that were creeping in and I wanted the joy and my calm back again. As soon as I woke the next morning I knew I felt different, I had that lovely familiar feeling of calm, like you just downed a bottle of chill pills. Its great to be back here again and I don’t ever ever want to live a life that crowds my head with doubts or negative thoughts, so I’ll keep drawing on the reservoir and my head can tow the line and obey my heart.

This looks like being an epic blog because there’s another thing.

Speaking in public, now then some people are very good at this, they have the knack of keeping their audience captivated because they are very good with words, they probably never have to say erm to cover up and can even make little jokes along the way. This will not be me because when I get baptised on the 10th of August and give my testimony there WILL be erm’s along with a few throat clearings I imagine, but my story is one of hope, joy and positivity that came from circumstances which could easily have been a downward spiral for me.

God uses the most unlikely routes you know.

Day one of LOVE.

I got out of bed this morning and said to myself its day 1 so what are you going to say out loud. The answer was YAAAAY!! its not raining, mission accomplished. Not one human being gave me cause for any agro but my pc did and I thought to myself, now then do I have to love my pc when it won't let me go online for the hundredth time. A confession must follow here, I mangled my glasses last time it booted me in the middle of an email, a very important very long email that was now lost in cyber space. I remembered Neils words, calmly shut it down and went out shopping for stuff for the barbie, high five to me for the non anger thing.

Now for something very close to my heart, if anyone reading this prays would you please say one for my lifelong friend who I love dearly, she's waiting on a diagnosis and its a very worrying time for her. Just say I pray that Sue's friend doesn't have anything seriously wrong with her.

Thank you loads.

Love.

I Loved today’s service.

Neil, today’s speaker is a member of our church, he’s a young guy and has a style different to Colin our pastor, he’s every bit as passionate but in a way of his own. I love it when Col is speaking but I also thoroughly enjoy the contrast and style of others from time to time.

Today the service was about love and how to learn to respond to people who hurt, anger, annoy us etc…Its very hard to turn to somebody who has just insulted or wronged you and tell them ‘I’ll pray for your release from anger’ or ‘its okay I forgive you’ because when you feel hurt and upset, its so much easier to hit right back, it gives a quick release from the sting of the hurt they inflicted on you. I don’t know about anyone else but way back when I did rise to such situations it always made me feel worse doing the tit-for-tat thing.

I feel Blessed that anger doesn’t have a hold on me and I find loving and forgiving quite easy, but that’s something I’ll be testing out over the next month because Neil challenged us all to consciously get up every morning for a month and start the day on a happy note regardless of what is going on. Also when insulted, hurt or angered we should stop and think and try to give the opposite response of what comes natural, which is to slap the said insulter. I’m not too sure what I’ll say exactly when and if somebody hurts me as I honestly can’t remember the last time anyone was nasty to me so I’m well out of practise.

Angry person – Hey you, I think you’re a liar and a waste of space.
Me – Would you like tea or coffee.(with your arsenic)

Seriously though Love Thy Neighbour is the second most important thing to God, the first being to love God himself so I'm going to try it and see starting tomorrow.

1 Corinthians 13

Reality sucks sometimes.

Sometimes it suddenly hits you that this is real, you really have had to say goodbye to one of your children and it shocks you all over again. One of my coping mechanisms is to keep busy and not think too deeply about Chris not physically being here, but we're planning a get together with family and friends soon and he won't be there. Reality hurts a lot.

I pray that God continues to give me the strength to see the 'good' in life as He has done so far. Its not always easy to maintain the close relationship I have with God, but everything rights itself once its back on track.

I miss you so much my lovely son.

Busy doing things.

Lots of things in the pipeline at the moment and I'm doing ok. Praise God.

We've chosen a sketch of Chris's to be put on the wall at the cf unit and I finally got it to Marion this morning to be framed - sorted.

I'm going to be baptised at my new church sometime in the next month or so, its a bit of a mission to get a firm date at the moment because there are certain important (to me) people I want to be there and this is the holiday season. I'll be knocking one of the things off my 1-10 list on that day too as I'll be talking in public for the very first time in my life and I am very nervous, but I've written a testimonial because I beleive my story is meant to be shared.

Our church (King's Wirral) is taking part in a big event in Birkenhead Park which I am really looking forward to because several Wirral churches will be getting together and among other things we'll be singing.......YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll be blogging about that day after the event.

Thats all for now, today is a gardening day, life is good.

Emotion....again.

Less than a week after doling advice out right left and centre I’ve come to the conclusion that I should shut up Why? because in the last two days I’ve ignored my inner voice and been a moody sod.

I do almost everything here, I always have and I’ve always been happy to do so but because John got arsey about taking the stick thing with my sisters party photo’s on it and putting it on her pc I saw my arse. At the time I wished I could be angry, but angry is alien to me I just get upset and cry a bit, then I got really down and developed cold sores and a couple of boils and……I wanted a divorce, all this over a little stick.

I ironed everything in sight on Monday while watching the God channel, there was this guy doing a talk on emotion and not giving into it because once you do you’ve lost it and it affects everyone’s reaction around you, I’m not talking about the grief emotion here, that’s perfectly normal, I mean anger, bitterness, jealousy things like that.

At work yesterday I had toothache, headache, cold sores a couple of boils horrendous tinitus and I was still a bit tearful from John’s aresyness and the icing on the cake was my boss was in such a bad mood, he kept slamming stuff and telling us to do what we already knew we would be doing once we finished the thing we were in the middle of doing. I thought about the emotion thing and decided to ‘hand it over to God’ as I was fast losing the will to live (just a saying).

I came home and through my letterbox was the loveliest letter and a book from a mum I’d met at the Bereaved Parents Network meeting, when I read the letter it put life back into perspective pronto, why on earth was I stressing over John saying ‘why can’t you do it’ it so wasn’t worth the energy I’d given it. Because I’m human that’s why, I should have handed it over to God sooner and that letter and book would have arrived earlier.
My God is awesome, I just need to remember that before I go off on one.

You live and learn.

I've been on a course today run by Care of the Family an organisation set up to support people in all aspects of family life. Our pastor gave me a leaflet weeks ago and said it may or may not be helpful to me, it was a day long course for parents who'd lost children and they would try to seat you with people who's child was near the same age as yours.

I like to think I'm doing brilliantley and was quite sure I'd go along there and give more than I received but it didnt really work out that way. The people I sat with today were doing equally as well as I was in that they were there, they were continuing to live their lives and they were looking forward with as much determination as me. I wasn't special and I certainly wasn't able to give without receiving because as we all told our story it was obvious that each one of us had something which inspired the others.

I also realised there were issues that I hadn't yet allowed myself to think too deeply about simply because I like to be super human, so I did get upset and what's good about that is the fact that I didnt even realise they were lurking around in my subconcious until today, so they're out now.

The drive there was the hardest thing I've had to do for a while and I was dreading it because it followed the exact route to the cf unit which was practically Chris's second home and mine come to think of it. I drove past bawling my eyes out, but again I've done it now so its another bridge crossed.

Everyone there today including the organisers and speakers have been where I am now and I'm very glad I went but tonight I'm emotionally exhausted so I'm going to do as I was told and be kind to myself.....that'll be a double voddy and a large wedge of cake with cream 'cos I'm worth it'

Praise God for my continued strength.

Frida

I've been wanting to do a quick blog about last Sunday's service all week but its been a strange week and time online has been rushed.

I didnt think I'd make it to church last week because I was exhausted after our full day doing the Great Strides and getting very lost on the way back, however I woke at 6am a bit full of beans so I went. I'm so glad I did because our speaker for the day was a guy called Steve and he was amazing.

He talked about his wife to begin with, she had survived the Rwandan genocide but had wanted to die after being buried alive with a number of her relatives. She was presumed dead when she was put into the mass grave but woke when they were putting the soil on top of them. She decided to keep quiet and spent 14 hours in there struggling to breathe, then eventually she managed to get free, whereupon she begged anyone and everyone to end her life because she couldn't bear the horror of what she'd experienced. Nobody would help her to end her life so she tried numerous times to end it herself but each time she survived.

She met Steve and they set up a church with 8 members and to date they now have around 1500 regular members. Steve was in the UK to share their story and we were lucky enough to have him visit us, it can't have been easy for him to help his wife through what must have been a massive struggle mentally but he was about the smiliest person I have met in a long time. I think we laughed more than we prayed last Sunday as he has a gift for spreading 'joy' and what an amazing testimony Frida his wife has.

I felt priviliged to be there to hear him speak and proud that he thought our church and our pastor reminded him of home.

Frida has written a book about her experience, its called 'Chosen to die destined to live' I imagine its going to be a hard read but also very inspirational.

I've been putting a massive big blog together over the last few weeks, in it was every single thing I could remember about you because I'm so scared I'll forget one tiny detail. Someone asked me the other day 'Do you still hear Chris' how scary is it that one day I might not, I might have to play a tape to recall your voice.

I think I'll just record something that makes me smile babe, the rest I can read anytime now its written down. These are the last texts you sent me.

Shut it u am comin home in a min. x

bring some cream an u can do me feet. x

And I'm so glad now that I did take the cream and we had the chance to spend those few hours of pure quality time together.

I love you. x

Its a week since I did that very emotional post and I would never have beleived I'd be feeling so different just one week later. After all we're even nearer the day now than we were last week, I should be feeling worse, but I'm not.

I've postponed blogging about last Sunday's service, why? I dont know. Maybe so I could put it into words that didnt sound like someone who'd lost the plot or maybe because I just wanted to keep it all to myself and enjoy it....kind of revel in it before I shared it with anyone. I've never experienced anything like it before in my life, call it a feeling/atmosphere/intimacy or as Col said Divine Intervention but it was amazing. During this Chris spoke to me, he didnt appear in front of me of course that would just be silly, but his face was as clear as a bell in my mind, he looked slightly different just a tad older and slightly rounder in his face. He said 'I'm happy you know mum' and I said 'I know you are' just like that, I didnt feel upset, surprised or anywhere near hysterical I just felt very calm almost as though it was the most natural thing in the world.

I still feel very peaceful and so much stronger than last week when I did that last post. Our church is brilliant, our God is awsome, and I am truly blessed.

We just need a womens breakfast now (wink)

HOW HARD IS THIS!!

I love the sun and I love the garden but I've bawled my eyes out all day today, the smell of the cut grass, your willow tree, the patio you helped to build with your mates, the decking you supervised being built, the pond you and the lads made, Rodney, the cabin and the bloody sun......Arghhhhh!!

The day we got your willow.

Me and you after a hard days graft

You and the lads doing the pond

You supervising the patio building

You and Rodney

Your willow last summer (wrong date on camera)

We miss you so much.

Healing

It’s Sunday again and I feel like getting something out of my head and into words, what’s brought it on this week?

Today’s service was mainly around healing and when ears were mentioned I was out at the front pronto because my right ear hasn’t been working for about 6 weeks now. I know it will get better I just don’t know the time and date just yet. However since I got home I’ve been thinking about God’s healing and I don’t just think it applies to fixing an ear, a back problem or anything else physical.

For years now I’ve had one or two drinks before bed (sometimes a tad more than that) and after saying goodbye to Chris last year I definitely wouldn’t consider going to bed totally sober because then I’d have to THINK and thinking is very very painful. Lately though I started to dislike the person who couldn’t quite remember going up to bed or getting up the next morning wondering what exactly I’d said when chatting late at night in cyberland. Feeling not quite top notch enough to go to the gym or clean the house started to get on my nerves where before it hadn’t bothered me one bit. So I decided to pray for release from alcohol, I asked God to help me to stop having a few drinks at night and to help me cope with the thinking that comes to a clear mind at night just before you go to sleep.

After about a week of praying on this I got up one morning a few weeks ago and knew that I wasn’t going to have a drink that night. Three weeks on I can’t believe how easy it is and after 20 odd years of having a few most nights I now don’t need it any more and I CAN think and I DO sleep.

Now that is healing.

SUNday

Its Sunday again and as with every Sunday nowadays I’m feeling full of amazing peace, joy and freedom. I wish I could bottle it and give everyone I know a big dose of what I have I really do. Joy seems a strange one to have, in fact it’s the very last thing I imagined I’d ever feel again after saying goodbye to our Chris but its there along with freedom, freedom from the terrible loneliness, anger and yearning that comes with grief and its not just on Sundays sometimes it lasts for days. Thank you God.

I received an email this morning from someone saying that my blogs had helped them as regards their faith, I was so grateful for that email because becoming a Christian in the real sense of the word is sometimes testing, especially when your son who prayed all his life until Chris left us thinks you’ve lost the plot and become a fanatic and your hubby tells people ‘Sue’s a happy clappy now’. I’m solid in my faith and cheerfully agree that yes we are happy and we do clap so it’s a fair description really.

I can totally understand my son’s anger with God, who wouldn’t be angry that their brother or sister had to be born with cystic fibrosis and then go on to be given the chance of a new life for it only to be taken away eight and a half months later. But prolonged anger serves no purpose and only destroys the person it lives in eventually. Its a stage of grief which is well documented and ‘normal’ I’m just praying that it doesn’t stick around too long for him because an angry person is not a happy person.

Anyway back to C who mailed me, thank you for putting some sun in my day. God bless you.

Anniversaries

I swore I wasn’t doing the ‘this time last year’ thing but despite my very best efforts anniversaries DO us we don’t DO them. and what do I do when I feel sad, yep I add to it, so its off to my blog to read last year…hang on I’ll just get his hat out so I can smell him while I read and why not put one of his favourite cd’s on while I’m at it ‘BINGO’ we’re now in a complete mess. Misery achieved look forward to next time……not!

I apologise if my flippant way of writing upsets anyone, the above is a necessary part of getting through stuff and doesn’t happen that often but it clears a lot of crap out of my head and the next day I get up feeling a stronger person for having indulged in some me & Chris time.

To keep life on an even keel I usually dip into my toolbox after a bad do and I did so today, I swam a mile and its given me a hefty dose of feel good chemicals.

Praise God for the strength He continues to give me.

Brilliant.

Today's service was absolutley awsome, I came sooo close to walking out to the front to share my testimony with everyone but somehow my legs wouldnt go forward and my heart was hammering so much I thought it would burst out of my chest. I WILL do it one of these days because I'm truly blessed with God's peace and that's something that should be shared.

Smiley

We had a special service at our church last night, Col (our pastor) called us all together having cancelled his original plans for his 50th birthday celebration and it was good. We ended the evening listening to a youth group on dvd, you'd have sworn it was a pop concert at your local arena and it got us all dancin so it did.

I've felt a bit like my old self today. Magic????......Nope! God.

Easter Sunday

Last Easter I never got to give Chris his egg, it stayed in the cupboard and eventually got thrown out because non of us could bring ourselves to eat it.

Only someone who knows how it feels to grieve deeply will understand that no matter how many people you have around you on a tearful day the lonelyness is indescribable, the hole you carry feels massive and the yearning is physical. Thats how it felt this morning as I set out for church.

The service was brilliant, the songs made me feel like I was flying, the children who taught us adults to be kids again was priceless and I got that 'calm' that lifted the lonelyness and the yearning.

I'm so glad that I have God in my life, He's my strength.....always.

Mothers Day.

Its group (((HUG))) time for all the parents out there who have lost a child, Mothers day is a hard one not only for us mums but also for our hubby's other children and family because they're watching us and hoping and praying that we get through it ok.

I've been blessed with that amazing 'calm' today, the one that kicks in just when I need it. The day started with church, I love my new church I can't wait to get there on a Sunday and I thoroughly enjoy every single moment of it. Colin our pastor is really passionate and although I struggle to remember everything he says I can always relate to the message. I'm so glad to be one of many who have God in their lives, thats what my 'calm' is its His peace that is helping me through possibly the worst thing that could happen to a parent, to lose a child. I first experienced it when Chris was taken into hospital last March and it wasn't like anything I've ever felt before. I didnt analyse it at the time but I knew that many people were praying for Chris and also for me Mike and John to be given strength and peace. My friend would text me with reference to a particular reading or psalm in the bible and I spent every evening reading them, it was a great comfort. I had my calm many times when Chris was ill and it enabled me to be with him every minute of every day, I had it the day of his funeral on my birthday on Christmas Day and I have it today. Thank you God.

Last years Mothers day card from Mike and Chris had to be dug out today, I couldn't resist and the words in it are wonderful, ok I know its what is printed but they assured me they pick the cards for the verse, it says.

I dont know if you realise how much I admire you, but I do. You've been such a wonderful inspiration to me ~ not just in the way you support and encourage me, but in the way you live every facet of your own life...

I've learned from you ~ what it means to be truly giving and caring, how important it is to be fair and understanding of others, how to believe in myself and be the best I can be...

Your example has shaped the way I think and feel and believe. You've been such a positive influence in my life Mum, and on Mothers Day I just thought you should know how much you mean to me....

My boy's inspire me to live my life and not waste one second of it.

Today Mike has given me the biggest card I have ever seen and a gorgeous teddy wearing a really silly hat (hats are my thing) and yesterday I got a surprise gift from our Mike's ex fiance who I love to bits, the card with it said 'To one very special lady'.

How blessed am I...............eh!!

Note to myself today is the 2nd but I started this blog yesterday.

James

Its your 30th birthday today and we miss you loads.

Whats the bettin you two have found a bar up there....and a geeetar!

Wish you were here.

Get smiley mother.

Note to myself.....remember the words in the title of this blog and don't allow yourself to stay down for too long, there's nothing wrong with blips they're normal and I'd be a robot without the up and downs but I'm now seeking out the positives because I was giving myself a headache with all the whingeing.

I've decided to ask the CF unit that Chris used to go to if they would display a piece of his artwork, they were always mithering him for something he'd drawn to put on the wall in the corridor. I'm going to presume they'll say yes and start looking for an apprpriate piece, they aren't all suitable for hanging on a wall in a ward though as he did a life drawing class (insert big wink).

Being back at work and very busy has been a tonic and I'm dancing tonight....Tra la la.

Whingey day

On the whole today has been one of those intermittent whingy days that never give a warning and are horribly painful, I never realised how grief could manifest itself in such a physical way. I always thought it was a mental thing, you felt terribly sad, down in the dumps and snarled at everyone or couldnt be bothered talking, but what about this overwhelming need to scream, the pressure behind your ribs like they are about to burst, the inability to swallow and the massive hole that wont fill in.

Babe I can see lots of things that remind me of you daily and stay on an even keel but today wasn't one of them, whether its because I just needed a whingey day or whether its because we said goodbye to James just 3 years ago I dont know.

I signed into msn tonight and you know when the page loads and all your contacts show up you click the mouse to get your curser on the page and what did I inadvertently bring up 'you' it said you were ofline and I could leave a mesage so I did, I said I love you.

I miss you so much.

Seeing clearer

My last post here was testing times, it was as I said a very testing time. Nothing has ever made me question my faith and I didnt beleive anything ever would so it shook me a bit that I was questioning God or rather the message that came from the sermon. I've spent a lot of time alone reading the bible and asking God to help me understand and stand by me while these doubts were pulling me down and He has as always been my rock.

Today's service was a confirmation to me that I am exactly where I want to be and want to stay and I am stronger now than I was before. Thanks Col.

I always wear Chris's earing for church because him and I had made plans to go there together but because I overslept this morning I forgot to put it in, I realised I didnt have it half way there but couldn't turn back or I'd have missed the service, I wasn't happy but continued on my way. When I was rifling through my bag in the car park to find my phone to switch it off something fell on the floor and when I picked it up I smiled, it was Chris's angel that he always kept with him in hospital.

Testing time

My faith has been my rock since losing our Chris but last Sunday's sermon disturbed me a bit and its been a really hard week trying to get my head round the message. What I took from it was (my own interpretation) we don't have our prayers answered because 'we don't beleive' thats harsh. I beleive and I prayed along with many people for him to recover, he didnt but I trusted that that was not through lack of prayer or beleif. I've had a kind of guilty feeling since last week and thats something that I'm finding hard to handle.

I'm working on it.

A sign

I haven't been on here for a while but what happened today is so amazing that I had to write it down.

John was studying some graphs on his pc at work when suddenly his address book appeared on his screen and there highlighted was our Chris's email address, he can't find any logical explanation for this, he didnt click on his address book it just appeared. He copied it and emailed it to me with the title 'Dont open this until I get home', he just showed it to me now and I have tears in my eyes. John is the most sceptical person I've ever met he doesn't beleive in anything that isnt black and white and in front of his eyes, in all the 34 years I've known him I've never seen him as lost for words as he is today.

A few nights ago I prayed and prayed for a sign and my prayer has been answered.
Praise God!!!